Heartbreaks

There's 3 kinds of heartbreak.

The first is when
someone is reckless with
your heart
and it breaks and it shatters
in ways
your never thought it could

The second is when
you break
someone's heart
because you'll never
know pain
like the type that has you
look into their eyes but they look away

The third is the kind
where you say you're done
and everyone's happy for you
and he says "me too"
but secretly you're not
you just have to be

And the worst kind of heartbreak
is the kind that comes along
when you have to watch
the person you love
be happy
with someone else.

Every seven years

It is said that

every seven years
our bodies change,
every cell.

every seven years we disappear

seven years from now,
it'll truly be like we've never met
not a touch from you
not a sign of a single kiss

we'll disappear

Would you be my reason?

Everyone's just looking for reasons
to wake up and get out of bed

some do it for nothing but
a kiss
perhaps to hear his voice

others have a harder time
no train to catch
no hand to hold
no reasons
at all.

Skinny love

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt, we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in this moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind

In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different kind
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
We suckled on the hope in lite brassieres
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full, so slow on the split

And now all your love is wasted
And who the hell was I?
I'm breaking at the bridges
And at the end of all your lines

-

I hope you find your way

They say the reason people find it so hard to be happy is that we always see the past better than it was, the present worse that it is, and the future less resolved than it will be. Maybe it's true, but even so,

I would trade a million tomorrows for a single yesterday.

You treated me kind of shitty, you know. And I would never have done that to you...because I loved you. I guess I just thought you loved me too.

But I'm not going to hope you regret or that you get hurt. I hope you find your way of getting things right again. To start doing things for yourself.

I still want you to be happy.

Chill week

Monday - Parent teacher meet (urgh), choir and dinner w rach and some choir juniors before choir briefing
Tuesday - dental
Wednesday - choir
Thurs - spent the day at spad's
Friday - choir

Next week's gonna be
Monday - choir
Tuesday - choir
Wednesday - choir
Thurs - choir
Friday - choir

Yes you get the picture. Yay rented gossip girls to keep me occupied, happy Cally happy :-)

;-)

For you and you ; thank you darlings for being so sweet, spending your time hating me. 

This is for you :-)

Love is

Love is unforced laughter.
Love is falling asleep to the rain.
Love is being able to share silence.
Love is receiving a smile.
Love is falling asleep in someone's arms.
Love is talking late into the night.
Love is falling asleep with no worries.
Love is feeling like everything will be okay.
Love is when someone acknowledges your effort.
Love is after a good swim.
Love is being alone but not having to feel lonely.
Love is sharing secrets.
Love is when someone knows you're not okay but doesn't say a word and tries to cheer you up.
Love is waking up to a goodmorning text or a belated goodnight text.
Love is hand written letters.
Love is a favourite movie.
Love is knowing that it'll be worth it.
Love is forever.
Love is experiencing something special for the first time.
Love is smiling to yourself.
Love is butterflies.
Love is sleep.
Love is good change.
Love is tears of joy.
Love is making someone proud.
Love is never leaving, no matter what.

Love makes everything simple.
Love is to be loved.

Lets just finish what never started

We met at the wrong time. Atleast that's what I tell myself anyway. Maybe one day years from now, we'd meet in a place only we know and we could give it another shot.

But I don't think it's the wrong time. Or the wrong person. It's the wrong feelings. This is fine, not emotionally supporting each other. But this means more to me that it does to you. My nothing means more than yours, if that makes sense. Cause you are nothing to me and I'm nothing to you. I dont know what you mean to me but I can't know. I'd rather let you be a 'what if' and as much as I hate having what's ifs, if I have to have one, it'd be you. "Felt the jones in my bones when you were touching me. You're replaying in my brain, finding it hard to sleep." My mind's telling me to go.

Lets just put it this way ; you make me happy. And that scares me.

And if we ever meet up again, just the two of us, I hope we would be able to not say a word to each other. Maybe just sit in silence for an hour or so, let me have a good look of you for the last time. Let it be our way of finishing what never started.

Exhaustion

I'm exhausted. Had such a bad sleep last night cause of my neck ache (ok I know I sound like an old lady). I'm so annoyed at my new pillow like HELLO IT'S TOO HIGH FOR MY SHORT NECK. But anyways that caused me to be angsty all day and even right now, at 11pm, I'm still not asleep. Yes 11pm's kinda early but no it's not what you think. I have been trying to fall asleep since 2pm in the afternoon. I'm so tired but my body won't let me sleep. WHY. It's like my eyes can't stay open much longer but when I close them, my brain won't shut up.

Bad night. Being upset over things that don't matter. But seriously, grow up. You don't know shit so stop acting like you do.

Enough said.

Bliss

Feeling oddly at bliss -

An icy cold cup of passion green tea w aloe vera sitting at the top of my table
My favorite music playing on the stereo
The night's still young
Shall get started w my work
Had a bad day exams wise
Having a little sore throat and cold
But i could get use to this feeling, really

4:51am

i don't like

the memories
because the tears come easily,
and once again I break
my promise
to myself for this day.

it's like a constant war between remembering and forgetting

"All that she could think was that she needed him. She needed his arms around her, needed him to hold her and whisper that they'd find a way to be together."

End?

Half way there

Done w 8/14 papers, 6 more to go.
Gonna diet my ass off I can't take it anymore.
No school tmr, yes.
Craving for pasta mm.
Hold on, I just mentioned about dieting.
I wanna sleep. And I shall.
Time's passing really slowly.
Unproductive day.
Unproductive will be an understatement, more like didn't do a shit.
Can we stay up tonight and talk non-stop?
Ofcourse we can't.
Studying has NOT paid off.
But then again I didn't really try that hard.
Bye bye elective history & pure geog.
To hell with homec paper. Feels like a waste of time seriously.
Oh silly.


"If your heart was broken you'd be dead so shut up."

My sunshine

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

You make me happy, when skies are grey.

You'll never know dear, how much I love you.

Please don't take my sunshine away.

Fall in love

"I think you could fall in love with anyone if you saw the parts of them no one else gets to see."

I guess it's true. That if you see a person at his/her weakest point, that vulnerability alone would be so much more. When someone is crying. When someone has broken down. When you see the look on a person's face when they're asleep. When they share things with you. When they tell you how much you mean to them.

But if this is true, then does true love not exist? True love, as I believe, is something that only two people in this world will share. And if its not with this person, it's not true love. But if its so easy, then anyone who comes close to each other will fall in love. Then what happens to soulmates then?

It's so easy to fall in love or have an infatuation with someone. The difficult part is finding someone who will love you back and stick with you.

To love.

To be loved.

To never forget your own significance.

To never get used to unspeakable violence

and the vulgar disparity of life around you.

To seek joy in the saddest places.

To pursue beauty in its lair.

To never simplify what's complicated

or complicate what's simple.

To respect strength, not power.

To give without wanting to take.

To put others before oneself.

To appreciate the worst.

To have good intentions and nothing else.

To not be bitter.

Above all, to watch.

To try and understand.

To never look away.

And never, never, to forget.

-

Just by myself

I dont know if being alone is a good thing. I believe that we all need to have times when it's just us alone. No need to act a certain way or fake a certain emotion so that you won't worry others. Then can you feel how you truly feel, it would be a great thing, to be able to let your emotions free. Even if it was just for a minute.

But what happens when you're lonely all the time. It's true, that I'm fine till I'm alone. Because atleast when I'm around others, I take my mind off things and I tell myself to keep it together. It's a kind of motivation, really. When I realize that I'm alone, when nobody's watching, sometimes it just gets a little harder to keep it together. But it's okay, atleast I'm true to myself for that one moment.

I wish I didn't have to be okay.

You

You made me realize that things change.
You made me realize that no matter how much I love and no matter how much we've been through, you can throw it all away in a text.
You made me feel loved.
You made me feel like I will never be good enough.
You made me happy.
You made me cry.
You made me feel things I never had before.
You made it hard for me to trust anymore.
You made me change.
You made me feel important once second and worthless the other.
You made me realize that the most important things don't last.


I don't understand. How I can be so upset over you that I lose sleep when you don't care enough to even check on me. But then again, dont. Not after saying words that will hurt me. You know what you're doing. And you know it would hurt me. Then why do you keep doing it. Even when you're gone it seems like i'll never feel better. Because I could never do that. I could never hurt you.

Did we really mean nothing? Cause it meant a lot to me.

I need closure

It's 1:09am right now. And I have to be awake in a few hours for school.

Thinking about all the words I haven't got a chance to say to you. I know I push you away, but I wished you would still put aside your pride and try.
-
I wanna talk to you so so badly. I need to see you one last time. But after what you said to me, you made it clear you want nothing to do with me.

I just want closure.

And then I promise I'll disappear from your life. I promise.

I had to

"Rule number one: dont get attached to someone you may lose."

But I never thought I'd ever lose you.

But I did.

And its all nothing now. Nothing.

When you try your best but you don't succeed. When you lose something you can't replace. When you love someone but it goes to waste. When you're too in love to let it go. Could if be worse?

Someone fix me, please.

Dirty secrets

I wish I could tell you what I wanna say. But the stakes are too high. The way your voice alone make me feel. We both know it. That. If I could, I would. I just wish I knew you better. But somehow that always spoils things. Knowing a person better.

I'm drifting from the world, finding comfort in things that I know will never change. Those things seem to become lesser and lesser as time goes by. Buts it's okay, I'm okay. And I'll remain that way.
But hold on, nothing lasts forever.

Won't let you close enough to hurt me.

You don't realize how much impact it had on me. Whether I know it or not, whether I want to admit it or not, it changed me. To be more paranoid. You made it hard to trust.

I just wished I could trust you with my feelings the way j trust you with my secrets. 

Happy Fridays

Yay so school went well, released 1245 omg. It must have been a year or so since I was released so early. So I went to eat icecream chef w Charlottey and then we cooked lunch at my place. Took a bath and I'm gonna take a good nap now w Charlottey doing her work. That stalker. HAHAHA. x 

Monday's such a whore

First day of term four. Oh the sorrow. Exams soon. So much work but so little motivation. How am I suppose to get by.

Don't know if I got off the wrong side of the bed or I'm just in a bad mood but it's been a bad day.

-

Guess everything's just slowly eating me away bit by bit. But no, I'm not going to allow myself to be paranoid.

And why do people talk shit again? Come on, say it to my face or forever hold your peace. Lie to me and i'll never trust you the same again. Period.

I need some frozen yogurt now. Ugh bed, I've missed you while I was in school.

Need more sleep.
Need more smiles.
Need more motivation.
Need more love.
Need more security.
Need more of your voice.

Broken

Things break all the time. Glass, and dishes, and mirrors. Fingernails, and contracts. You can break the ice. You can break a record, a dollar, a person. There are coffee breaks and lunch breaks and prison breaks. There are breaks you take from people. Day breaks, waves break, voices break. Chains can be broken. So can silence..

Promises break.

Hearts break. 

Stay

  "I might be in love with you." He smiles a little.
"I'm waiting until I'm sure I tell you, though." 

  "That's sensible of you," I say, smiling too. 

"We should find some paper,
so you can make a list or a chart or something."

  I feel his laughter against my side, 

his nose sliding along my jaw,

his lips pressing behind my ear. 

  "Maybe I'm already sure," he says,
"and I just don't want to frighten you."

  I laugh a little. "Then you should know better."

  "Fine," he says. "Then I love you." 

  

Years go by and time just seems to fly

Everything's so fast paced now, I need it to all slow down for me to catch my breath, yes thank you. Okay time for a reality check : Final year exams in a months' time. Thank god it's a half day on Friday followed by the September holidays, which I would have been so excited for if mine wasn't packed almost everyday. Monday to Wednesday - primary school visits. Thurs - math lessons and choir practice. Friday - My one and only true holiday to rush my never pile ending of homework. I dont quite remember my plans for the weekend, except for tuition, but fingers crossed I'll have time to just catch up on my sleep. Been feeling so sleep deprived lately oh gosh. Tests after tests. 

Not gonna let you distract me anymore, if you're gonna make me feel happy, then I welcome you w open arms but if you're going to just make me confused and upset then I'm just going to have to not give a damn. Make things better for me, not worse, please. 


Last teacher day spent w 202 on Friday along w cross country, can we just not go to different classes? Sobs... :( What if we like die in an unfamiliar environment. haha okay maybe not. 
-
How come it seems like though others can go out every night and after school and still get so much done while I'm just home and doing work but it never gets all done on time and nope, not the least productive. Come on Cally, no distractions. So many choir practices im gonna die. Not that it's bad but just not that great. Looking forward to the overseas competition in November though x 
What a losy post. Nah, no mood anyways. 
- 
Meh 

What if its not

I find it fascinating that one of you can make me feel better than everyone else in the world put together. The ease of having you overwrites any other bad thing. When you know exactly what to say at the right time, just the right way. You don't have to tell me anything. I just need to know you wont leave. And thats exactly what you said.

I said that it was your loss but deep down i know its mine too. Because the naive me, after everything you did, would still drop everything, in an instant, for you. I still care about you, I still want you in my life. But what am i suppose to do? When i'm miserable with you, miserable without you.

And i'm starting to doubt, really. What if things didn't happen for a reason? Maybe we're just grasping for ways to make sense of the chaos around us. Maybe we're giving meaning to things that have no meaning. Maybe we're clinging to hope so hard we forget about reality. What if we're wrong and nothing is meant to be? We're just lost souls wandering endlessly, desperately seeking comfort from the notion that things will work out in the end no matter what. What if we've tricked ourselves into believing that everything will be okay in the end just so we don't have to face the reality that maybe it wont. And maybe its just my paranoia, but then again, what if its not.

Hugs

I was on the bus today, as I am everyday, on the way to school. And I thought about why I didn't feel so happy today. And this thought appeared out of the blue that I needed a hug. I had miss them so much. How assure and loved I felt when someone hugged me tight. Not those heart hearted, one hand hugs that last a few moments but those that you both don't wanna let go. Those tight hugs that can never be tight enough, those from people you care most about and the people who care most about you. So when I reached school, I hugged my friends and it made me feel so much better. Oh how I love hugs so very much.

Hugging is a good medicine. It transfers energy and gives the person hugged an emotional lift. Scientists say that is a form of communication because it can say things you don't have words for. And the nicest thing about a heart is that you usually can't give one without getting one.

It's about 4:32 right now and I woke up with a pain in my chest. 

I can't tell if it's heart burn or the emptiness coming back.

But it's late and I have to be up soon. 

Wish you were here, 

I'm sorry things changed.

2012 resolutions

So more than half a year has gone past but i still want to create a list of things i want to achieve this year. Dont know if its the lack of sense of achievement this year or me just wanting to make this year count in atleast a way. And i've realise i didnt make a list of resolution at the start, for whatever reasons i had. So here goes..

- Do better than i've ever did academically for end of year

- Try something totally wrong for me

- Sing out loud infront of people i dont really know

- Laugh out loud atleast once a day

- Do without my phone for a whole day

- Have more alone time

- Spend time with only the people that matter

- Tell people how i really feel

- Lay under the stars 

- Make new friends, keep my old ones

- Spend a day just watching movies

- Not care too much about things that make me unhappy

- Give more, expect less

- Smile at strangers

- Let go of the past, move forward

- Take chances

- Know that nothing lasts forever

- Accept things i cant change

- Be happy

Have been sleeping more & more each day. 

Don't know if it's really my exhaustion or just that I don't want to stay awake to face things. 

But then again, what's there to face when it's staring at me the whole time.

 It's over, isn't it? 

Then why do I still feel the sting.

Damn Cally, what did you do so wrong for karma to get you like this.

Letting go

It's a lot harder than it seems. You talk all day, everyday. You fall asleep on the phone together. Wake up to good morning texts. You think about them every second when you're awake then when you're asleep, you dream about them. You spend time w them whether it's in person or not. They soon become a part of your everyday life and you get used to it.

Then all of a sudden, they leave. And most of the time once they're gone, they're gone for good. Meaning, no more late night calls, no more cute texts, actually no texts at all. No more "I love you" "babe" all of that. The first days you would want to call, text, really do everything just to talk to them and restore what's "normal". But as you try, things don't change. The hardest part is letting go.

The person that was once your everything is now just a memory. A memory that you replay our and our again in your head. You spend nights reminiscing in the said words, shared laughter, the kisses, the hugs, all the good things that went on during the time when you two were together. Letting go can take weeks, months, even years. Remember that this was just a fragment of time, a memory that will someday fade.

Love is complicated. But still humans must try to love each other. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having our heart broken. It means we have tried for something. And we can't possibly regret something that once made us happy.

"You can love someone so much... But you can never love someone as much as you can miss them."

When you do your best but don't succeed

Sometimes maybe trying to please everyone won't work, because no one really puts themselves into your shoes and try to see the effort that you put in. And when you realise that its just not worth doing your best and still being brought down by those self-centered people, all you can do is to cherish the people that really mean alot to you. Try to keep them in your life, make them happy. Cause happiness is just like perfume, you cant give it away without getting some on yourself :)

Some wont appreciate what you say or do,

But as long as you speak honestly from the heart

And let them see who you really are,

You will be fine. This isn't a perfect world.

This isn't a perfect life. So live life the way you want

Cause no matter what you do,

People would never run out of something to say against you.

When can I fully trust

I'm afraid that if you keep showing up and make me feel better, 
then maybe I'll start liking it. 
Liking it will lead to relying on it and by relying on it, 
I become less of me that I've made myself into.
 But what I'm most afraid of is that if I learn to rely on you,
 then one day when I really need you to show up, you won't.
 And then I'll be angry for believing in something
 that no one had fully prove to me exists.

Piece by piece

Maybe im just tired of the drama. I just want the people I love to stay in my life. No quarrels, just unconditional friendship. Cause you guys make me so happy and I dont wanna lose anyone of you guys.

So many things have happened but I can honestly say it just brought us closer together :) I regret nothing. And I just really miss the people I've drifted from. Some even my best friends at a certain point of my life. Don't think I've forgotten you all! Cause you still mean a lot to me. And always will. Cause I can't erase the bond we use to have. I hope I get all of you back into my live again & never lose you all.

And so, I'm trying to put it all back together, piece by piece.

But if I had a chance, I'd do it all over again

"Just remember that no one's perfect.

I've made a lot of mistakes and I've always learnt from every one of them.

You can't learn without making the mistake first.

Remember that no one's perfect, and know that when you make a mistake, 

just be countable and learn from it.

And you gotta accept your own faults and imperfections

 because it makes you who you are.

 No matter what I wouldn't change anything I've done

 or anything that people call a "mistake",

Because I call it an experience."

-Miley Cyrus

Movies

Yknow the feeling of entering a theatre looking forward to watch a movie that you have no idea how it'll be like, and as the lights dim and the movie begins, you slowly drift from reality and become totally captivated by the show. You don't even realize it but soon enough, the movie's over. The lights brighten up and you're just sitting there and for a second you're just soaking it all in, making your way back down to earth. And after that, you feel this disappointment that you're back to reality.

That's why I love movies. 

It takes us to somewhere we love but can't really use words to describe.

 It's a little secret getaway.

If you don't appreciate it, you don't deserve it

"I choose to stay with him for all the things that he had done right and not leave him for the one thing that he has done wrong" - The Vow.

So I watched The Vow quite awhile ago and this particular line really left a huge impact on me. Often we get mad at people that mean so much to us over a small matter and thats okay, because fights bring people closer together. But what if it was the last time that we are ever gonna see them? Would you still spend those precious moments being angry at that person?

Truth is, i don't know what's gonna happen in the future. Its so hard to be happy because i tend to make the past seem better that it is, the present worse than it is and the future less resolved than it will be. Some days are great, someways not so. But I'm doing the best I can. Do whatever you want to do, there are only so many tomorrows.

To forgive as well as to forget. Before giving up on someone, giving up on a relationship, think about all that you've been through. The sweet things that the person has done for you, the late night talks, surprise kisses & all the reasons why you even fell inlove w the person in the first place. Is it really worth it to give it all up? Instead of focusing on finding the perfect person, focus more on BEING the perfect person.

When a person doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you w all they have. Because no matter how bad your heart has been broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief. It's so important to appreciate that special someone because no matter how many others people you can flirt w, is it worth it to lose your gf/bf over them? If its really the right person for you, just him/her alone would be enough (:

Things I want to do with you

I want to kiss you in the rain.
I want to wake up beside you.
I want to fall asleep in your arms.
I want to cook a whole meal for you.
I want to walk from one end of the beach to another with you.
I want to go to bora bora for a vacation with you.
I want to have dinner and spent time with your family.
I want to visit places I have never visited before with you.
I want to spend all my birthdays with you.
I want to have sleepovers with you,
I want to bake with you.
I want to go cycling with you.
I want to go swimming with you.
I want to have a home with you.
I want to talk for hours and hours on the phone with you.
I want to feed you.
I want to give you a massage.
I want to keep you in my prayers.
I want to go bowling with you.
I want to watch you fall asleep.
I want to have a movie marathon with you.
I want to snuggle with you.
I want to take a million pictures with you.
I want to go on long walk with you.
I want to hold your hand.
I want to watch the sunset and sunrise with you.
I want to lay under the stars and count them one by one with you.
I want to go grocery shopping with you.
I want to share all my secrets with you.
I want to have breakfast with you.
I want to mess up your hair.
I want to send you cute texts.
I want to buy you cute gifts.
I want to take care of you when you're sick.
I want to be silly with you.
I want to watch fireworks with you.
I want to write love letters to you.
I want to kiss you on the forehead.
I want to hug you from behind.

I want to grow old with you, spend a lifetime with you, because you mean the world to me and no words could ever express how much I want to be with you <3