been feeling kinda down
he pointed out that I barely spoke all the day
you asked me if I was sure I'm okay
there's nothing much to be upset about
& also nothing much to be excited for

I just don't feel like speaking today
i don't feel like hanging out
& I don't feel too keen on heading home

but here I am,
back in bed,
i don't even like peanut butter
but I'm having a teaspoon of it
(right out of the jar)
whilst I listen to frank ocean's new album
-
boys don't cry

i can't hear you talk about her any longer

that used to be me
that could have been me

if you were going to tell me you liked me for all those days,
once, twice
over & over again,
why couldn't you have just hugged me those days
or kissed me that night

I couldn't & I didn't take a chance w you
and I still stand by it,
hardly even bitter anymore

but when I see you with someone else,
I still think about falling asleep next to you that one night
I still think about how you used to say those words to me
and do those things for me

it doesn't shake my insides anymore,
I mostly feel a lack (of something I can't put my finger on),
a void, maybe

I still have dreams about our could-have-beens
& lately I consider them nightmares

so I try to obliterate you from my memories
by removing you from my present

the first night you let me go to bed upset

some nights I wish my heart was dead

so I could keep you out of my head

I'm up thinking about the words you said 

whilst you're sound asleep in bed

this wasn't how it was in Feb

it's starting to become all that I dread

companionship doesn't beat comfort

the same house looks so different
from how my 16 year old self remembers it
the dining table leg's still pressed against the same spot on the floor
yet i don't feel the same sitting there

the paint from the walls are almost chipping off now
and the bits and pieces left still have a familiar morning grey
but i hear different songs vibrating through them

i remembered how the 7pm sky was inked into my mind
with heal by tom odell playing on my headphones

now sometimes all i hear
when the sky is a shade of both violet and blue
is how it is not playing anymore

is this how it feels like to be 18?

sitting on the roof, I have a fag (and) 

& I feel, I see, I think

(in chronological order of magnitude) 

which was nice for a change -

nowadays I think I think more than I feel (see?).

I miss this 

just like how I'd miss fake plastics trees playing to my thoughts

once my iPod shuffles next.
(since when did this song have this beat?)
it's nice that there are images to the lyrics now.

it's kicking in,

I'm spinning.

I panick, kinda, thinking I'm really spinning

I remind myself of my body here,

take a deep breath,

calm myself down,

enjoy the high.

I wanted to read a book
but now I just want to listen to Barcelona.
I always do this.
I waste things on other less (more) impt things.

I think of you, too
I wanna call you
but I want to throw up
& I don't want to say goodbye.

I worry about the way sitting here, looking at this,
makes me want to write about wanting to call you
more than it makes me want to call you.

but I still love you
I know because I still listen to Bones by Ben Howard
because I know you like it.
I like that you like the same songs as me.

some nights I miss you so much
reading through our conversations 2 years back,
stirring up poignant reminders of you I thought I had forgotten for good

I wish I called you "beb" more often
and held your hand all those times I wanted to
I'm forgetting about you
it's hazy, blurred
how did it feel when you hugged me tight?

tonight it's almost suffocating me
I feel it rising,
from the tip of my toes
to the pit of my stomach,
filling me up all the way to the brim of my throat
it's like I can't speak else it'd overflow
in the form of tears soaking up my pillowcase
and gasps
after gasps after gasps
of me trying to catch my breath (& impossibly you) back

(it's nights like these that I'm glad I never memorised your number)

so I look away, I think of you,
I remind myself of how this had all been sourly expectant,
I flinch,
I go to sleep

today I held hands with a boy

who kissed my scars,

and wiped smudged mascara away from my face.

he held me tight on escalators in case i fall,

gave me his lemons from his ice lemon tea

and walked me home.

yesterday we talked about our past 

in a park near his house,

about the stupid, crazy love we both had.

today we talked about growing old together,

about the food we'd eat & the place we'd live in.

in oceans there are different depth

and some love we find are greater than others. 

Things I want to remember

holding your hand for the first time -

the feeling of getting something I wanted really badly

falling in love -

of knowing the all too familiar feeling of drowning,

of choosing to still let your arms drag me into a spiralling ocean 

both nights we stayed over to celebrate your birthday -

the stolen hugs we refused to compromise despite sneaking about,

the view we saw through the glass door from our bed &

the music we listened to in stillness & silence 

feeling you fall asleep beside me -

how your body jerks when you're drifting into slumber,

the way you'd stop grinding your teeth if I put my finger on your chin

that it's okay -

I want to feel this,

I want to remember this,

I want to stop being afraid

it's not going to ruin me 

i see so much of you in him

I was wrong, time does matter. 

Movies that talk about waiting for 

and loving someone for years still remind me of only you. 

I'm not in love with you anymore 

but i still see you in lovers that write letters to each other. 

Your name circled my mind over and over again 

when i felt him kissing my neck. 

I kept quiet and didn't dare mutter a word 

just in case your name escapes my mouth the way it's screaming in mind. 

I'm not in love with you anymore 

but sometimes i can still feel your skin against mine. 

It's like muscle memory, 

my mind may have forgotten but my body reacts to touch like it's always been yours. 

I imagine you look the same after all these years, 

standing by your wooden door i never figured out how to open, 

in your white worn out dry-fit shirt and red basketball shorts. 

God damn it, those basketball shorts. 

I'm not in love with you anymore 

but i still remember the view from your bedroom window at 5am. 

The trees outside your window, 

your desk under the pale moonlight, 

your violin sitting on the left, 

your arms wrapped around my waist.

Songs that i say i hate are the ones that remind me most of you. 

That day when we strolled down the theatre hallway 

hand in hand after a movie, 

i felt like i wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.

I'm not in love with you anymore, 

but still i could, i could. 

I still keep the ring you gave me to remind myself not of you 

but of promises that have been broken. 

It's unbelievable how i can still write about you despite not having you in my life.

I swear i'm not in love with you anymore 

but some nights i'm not sure i'll ever stop writing about you and the love we had. 

It was an intense romance, the ones that some people can only dream of. 

Our love consumed me. 

I'm not in love with you anymore, 

but i guess i will always love you. 

It's been awhile since i've done a light hearted kind of quick update and since it's already February, i think it's time.

So the first year of poly is ending soon and it's been one (good and bad but more good than bad) hell of a year but I honestly need this break before i crash and burn. Currently, i'm physically feeling groggy from staying up the past few nights despite 9am classes but i feel like i can take a little breather right now since the next assignment's not due till next week and i'm very satisfied with pulling through and handing in an assignment on Monday and yet another today, both on time.

My to-do list for the rest of the night:

1. Finish up econs homework
2. Start on my theatre in drama essay 

All that's left now

• One and a half weeks till classes stop and study break officially starts
• 3 more assignments due next week - 1 on thursday and 2 on friday (so despite the chinese new year festivities, i guess it's not a season to be jolly afterall)
• after that, i'll have to study my butt off for my last paper
• (which brings me to) one more exam paper left on the 25th
• SEMESTER BREAK

Already have so many things planned out to do during my break, can't wait to get back into doing all things i like. Gonna (hopefully) be 7 weeks of sunshine and rainbows :-) Hang in there (especially abm kids, i totally understand the death y'all are feeling)

I dream about

I dream about crisp mornings -
grey skies greeting the cold waters on damp beaches at dawn
I want to wear my worn out pullover that barely keeps me warm,
dig my toes into the sand and feel it seep between my toes.
Sit on breakwaters and watch the sunrise
before going back to my apartment for waffles and roasted potatoes.

I dream about living alone in an apartment that overlooks the city,
maybe on the eleventh floor,
so that atleast for awhile i'm further away from the streets i once wandered.
I want to sit on gray couches for dinner
and on high chairs after, sipping on my full glass of cabernet sauvignon
whilst listening to Rachael Yamagata, perhaps.

I dream about red lips and black dresses,
about slipping into bed with damp hair and no clothes.
I dream about not having to set alarms for before the sun rises,
I want to stop dragging myself out of bed.
I want to stop dragging myself to anywhere i don't want to be at.

I dream about 5am sunrises by the beach
and 8am runs.
I dream about 11am brunches
and 3pm naps.
I dream about 7pm dinners
and 10pm red wine.
I dream about 2am skinny dippings
and falling asleep at 4am to vinyls.

I dream about the days i stop thinking of life as a labyrinth.
Somedays I still dream about you,
but mostly I dream about me.

This just isn't for me

Between you and i
there is a familiarity -
the comfort from the years we've been friends,
the sacred "don't tell anyone else but"s and "you'll be okay without her"s.

Between you and i
there was a thin piece of sheet,
the barrier that differentiated almost and too late.
It was what we were so glad was there but simultaneously wished wasn't.

Between you and i
was an infinity that would never get smaller,
it held the things that were important to you -
the things that will always be irrelevant to me.
It was my ambition and your lack of confidence,
it was your insecurities and my apathy.
It was effort that wouldn't reap outcome,
the epitome of things that aren't meant to be.

Between you and i
were "i miss you"s that you wanted to hear
and "i love you"s that i didn't mean.
I wished you didn't call me dear,
and that you'd rethink all the parts of me you think you've seen.

I'm so sorry,
I'm so sorry.

falling out of love

it hurts
i thought the endorphins from running would numb it
but i still feel a sinking, drowning feeling in the pit of my stomach
running felt good for awhile
till i reached the beach and saw a plane flew by
it reminded me of endings and goodbyes

falling out of love with you started
when you pulled away and avoided my touch
it continued with you letting me walk home alone in the middle of the night
falling out of love with you happened the same time as falling in love with you

falling out of love with you confused me
i never knew when i started falling in love with you
i never knew i could fall out of love with someone i was never with
i knew you were there, i know you have always been there
i guess i forgot how things felt like without knowing you're a call away

falling out of love with you felt like hell
it felt like interlocked fingers and eyelashes on cheeks
it sounded like your breathing and classical music
it looked like a painted picture of heads on shoulders and nights beside each other
it tasted like 4am goodnight wishes

for the last time all at once

falling out of love with you hurt the most
when i realized you were done with falling out of love with me
it hurt the most when i could count down the hours, minutes, moments to when i'd last see you
i've heard that not being able to say goodbye hurts
but i think goodbye hurts most when right in front of it

you asked me how long i'd need
maybe i need as much time falling out of love with you as i did falling in love with you
;4 years
i won't see you when i think i'm no longer in love with you
i'll see when i can't fall in love with you anymore

first and last

A -

I pressed my ear to your chest

& heard the ocean beneath your skin;

tell me that the water's warm

& I'll follow you back in.

Tell me you're a mermaid

& I'll walk into the sea;

I'll let the waves rise up,

I'll let them bury me. 

(- Tyler Knott Gregson)