A year ago, or even last week, 

you were the only thing I saw in every place and every memory.

But now I see, you aren't the only thing that matters. 

You are as important or as vital as I've deemed you to be.

I gave you far too much credit.

When you develop an infatuation for someone, you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you. 

No, actually, it wasn't even a reason, 

it was merely an excuse.

You aren't what I keep thinking you are,

and I'm smiling even in the pictures without you. 

October

I haven't written in such a long time. Feeling quite confused, can't make up my mind if I'm in a good place or not. 

I don't feel like me anymore. I really changed, haven't I? For better or for worse, I dare not ask.

I used to care,

now not so.

I used to love writing,

now I hardly blog.

I used to tumblr every night? 

now I can't remember the last time I did.

I used to write letters to you everyday,

now I don't dare to, afraid I might not w able to finish it.

Everything around me feels heavy. I want to wake up early, mend friendships, do revision, have productive days. But what for? I can't seem to figure it out. It's like I'm doing all these for my future when in all honesty I don't know what I want in the future. And as impractical as it may sound, i don't have productive days, I want blissful days. Everyone around me keep telling me no, even you but is it really that wrong to live the way I crave to?

High hopes by Kodaline is on replay and I can't help but get reminded of you. And as I figured I've ran out of things to say. How is it possible to have so many thoughts running at a 100 miles per hour and not being able to catch a single one of them or as some would say, lost in translation. 

Perhaps I've really lost it. 

Would you stay? Even when I've lost myself, even when I can't figure out anything. 

Could you wait? Till I figure myself out. 

Would you walk away? I wouldn't blame you.

Stay, stay, stay. Please stay.

Broken bottles in the hotel lobby

Seems to me like I'm just scared of never feeling again

I know it's crazy to believe in silly things,

but it's not that easy

I remember it now it takes me back to when it all first started

but I've only got myself to blame for it 

and I accept it now

it's time to let it go, go out and start again

but it's not that easy

but I've got high hopes

it takes me back to when we started

high hopes when you let it go, go out and start again

high hopes when it all comes to an end,

and the world keeps spinning around

and in my dreams I meet the ghost of all the people who've come and gone

memories they seem to show up so quick but they leave you far too soon

naive I was just staring at the barrel of a gun,

and I do believe it 

Vulnerability

So it's 3:20 in the morning rn and I'm exhausted from dance prac and perfectly, it starts to rain as I'm about to sleep.

It's storming outside,

thunder and lightning in abundance.

I guess one of the reason why I love the rain so much is because of it's vulnerability.

When it's storming, 

sometimes it becomes so intense it comes so close to feeling like your house could collapse any moment.

The realization of the possibility alone makes it that much more precious. 

When it's drizzling,

it's like the sky's confused -

not sure whether to rain or shine 

and in the midst of it all sometimes a rainbow's formed.

Isn't it dazzling when it could rain or shine  in moments, split seconds?

Or when you don't eat and come so close to fainting,

when you say one word that rips two people apart 

When you act in the heat of the moment

and you realise how absolutely vulnerable the strongest bonds are

Isn't the vulnerability

beautiful?

Once bitten, twice shy

I think the reason why people 

cant forget 

their first (serious) relationship is because it's always the best at first 

No hurt

no lies

no fear

no expectations 

no disappointments 

But then comes along that first cut 

you know,

when he breaks your heart

and it shatters

and you cry

But that's alright, 

"give it another go"

sounds good

sounds fair enough

but he hurts you again 

and again

and again

To the point where you almost let him,

you give him a chance, yet again

knowing how the last few you've given out ended up 

And finally it reached a point of pure fear

every text 

every like

every comment

every conversation.

It's not much,

but that's what you thought in the first place

and it escalated into ways you never thought it could have 

You become so paranoid at every little thing

you start losing your temper at things you'd normally laugh off

you fight, you quarrel

you snap at each other,

saying nasty things

And then at the end of the day,

you feel this immense guilt 

for doing it again 

and you realise 

you're just like him 

no, you're not cheating nor lying 

but yes, you're still hurting him

You have to stop.

you got to take that scary, 

even illogical,

leap of faith again 

and you got to trust again

It's not easy, it's not going to be

but how far are we willing to go for that one person 

That one person that you're so utterly confused about,

but yet so tangled with,

so attached to,

so "in love" with.

20 facts about me part 2

So I've been really neglecting this space and I've decided that I'm gonna work on it but I'm so lazy rn, I'm just gonna do another 20 facts about me hohoho

1. One thing I really can't stand is when people don't answer my question. 

Like for example I ask if we're meeting for lunch and they go like "oh I'm so busy today you should understand........" But all i really want is a yes or no - can't stand it, it really pisses me off I don't know why.

2. I prefer small letters as compared to caps.

So when I text I usually don't use full stops or caps unless I need to. -it all kinda looks like this-

3. I like Malay food a lot.

I think it's because it's spicy and I loooove spicy food.

4. I don't comb my hair.

Like I like it when my hair's slightly messy or curly, I can't remember the last time I combed it.

5. I have this (bad) habit of singing in public.

Like when I'm walking home I'll have my earpiece on and I'll check my surroundings and sing the song I'm listening to but I usually embarrass myself anyway.

6. I adore Amanda Seyfried.

I just think she's really pretty, sweet, has nice hair, is a good singer, is a good actress.

7. I grind my teeth at night when I sleep.

My sister told me that it sounds like plastic bag(?) I don't know how or why but guess I'll just never know.

8. My favorite time of the day is at sunset.

9. I don't like nuts but I like pistachios a lot. 

10. Series of unfortunate events is a childhood movie of mine and also one of my all time fav movies.

11. My favorite cartoon movie would have to be spirited away.

12. Honking (by cars) gives me anxiety, I hate it.

13. (Recently) I enjoy being alone.

Eating/studying/shopping - I really like doing these alone now, as compared to how scared I was of being alone last time.

14. I have this obsession w Caramel Frappes.

I have ATLEAST 4 cups a week

15. I prefer salty things over sweet things so chips over sweets any day.

16. My shoe size's 37.5 so it's really annoying sometimes because usually shoes are sold at either a 37 or a 38 and ones a little too big and another's a little too small so I don't have a choice but to get a 38.

17. I write my dreams down. 

Like when I wake up I'll grab my phone and record whatever I remember because if I don't I probably never remember it again and I like being able to recall my dreams.

18. I sleep w a stuffed bunny everyday. It's the softest, most adorable thing.

19. My favorite color's white. And it has been for a pretty long time now. 

20. I'm a very lazy person. 

Once I got lazy halfway showering and I just turned off the water before I got any soap on and told myself "I'll try again tmr"

That kind of love

This is an intense,

love-hate,

sneaking out at midnight,

bawling your eyes out,

talking for hours,

letter writing,

drunk calling,

breaking curfew to watch a movie, 

getting in trouble all the time, 

heart-wrenching,

butterflies,

falling,

walking up at 5am to walk the dog,

singing love songs, 

silent but fearless 

kind of love.

You know, that kind of love. 

Love will always be enough

At the end of the day,

when i'm sitting on my chair waiting for days to go by till my passing,

it's not the degree I'll hold close to me

or the the grades I've worked so hard for 

If I am lucky enough, I'll choose to have someone I love by my side, 

someone like you 

"We made it" 

you'll whisper through your dentures 

and I'll let out a crooked smile 

"Together" 

my heart'll beat a slow steady beat

or perhaps if I'm not that lucky,

then I'll be holding that photo album 

listening to the old tracks 

looking at each and everyone that has touched my life 

and changed it,

for better or for worse 

some say love's not enough,

there's much more to it 

but I disagree 

things fall apart when love's gone

couples divorce 

friends leave 

tears fall

hearts break

but as long as love's there, then 

it's enough 

love makes us forgive and forget

love helps us get back on our feet

love gets the world going 

love's always enough 

"Have a good life"

If you could keep only one memory, what would it be?

The night we spent together listening to music

my head against your chest

as I listened to your steady heartbeat 

when we made each other laugh 

without trying 

when I felt blissful with you by my side

and I still remember how 

we talked about forever 

and how I thought to myself 

"if I got to spend every night

with you, like this,

I could get past the hardest days"

and you'd tuck me in to sleep

how I'd always nudge you to say

goodnight and 

tell me you love me 

that flashed through my mind 

that was the first memory I considered to keep

then I untangled my knot of thoughts

and now I'm sure 

that that would be the memory 

I'd get rid of first 

I don't want to be reminded of 

the broken promises 

the love I once felt for you 

the feeling of forever 

and I'm trying to get over it 

and I think I am succeeding 

that brings me to you 

-

you're a pure kind of infatuation 

I could name out reasons why I like you

I smile at myself sheepishly

just because you looked at me 

I like the way my name sounds on your tongue 

I think the best would be your smile 

but we're worlds apart

you're like a white canvas

I'm a rough paper painted over and over again 

and I figured 

if you saw how screwed up I am 

how needy and afraid I am

you wouldn't want anything to do with me 

and I actually like you too much

whether as a friend or a lover or just a person 

to let you have anything got to do with me

you're the 3rd guy I've written about 

and I can't decide if I want to see more of you appearing or not 

we accept the love we think we deserve 

maybe that's why I chose the 2 before you 

and maybe I can't choose you 

because I probably don't deserve you

20 facts about me

1. I love my name

2. I make decisions biased on my gut feeling way too often

3. My favorite subject is English (and honestly I've never heard someone else say that)

4. I don't believe in friends 

5. I like it when people say I'm musically inclined because I love the performing arts (acting/dancing/singing/playing instruments)

6. I love to sleep (more than normal people should)

7. I believe really strongly in horoscope readings 

8. I am very hot but also short tempered so I flare up badly but I get over it quickly

9. I like spicy food alot 

10. I am very accident prone since young (I walked right into a wall this once)

11. I am very picky when it comes to drinks (I can easily name you 20 drinks I don't drink)

12. I am a lousy texted so if I reply you, you're pretty darn special 

13. I prefer to eat cold things over hot things 

14. I dislike stepping on/coming in contact w water other than when I'm bathing or swimming 

15. I am very stubborn

16. I hate the feeling of warm paper

17. I like this space (my blog) alot

18. I love kids alot (most of them)

19. I try to be as emotionless as possible on the outside 

20. I like cafes and quiet coffee places 

An addiction

You know what you are to me? 

You're like a cigarette. 

At first I try it once 

be it for the excitement 

or for the thrill.

i choke on my first puff 

but curiosity gets me trying again 

then it starts to taste better 

and better

and before I know it I get addicted

more and more each day 

i know it's bad for me 

I know it's no good

so I try to stop 

i get determined and 

the naive me 

thinks I can do it 

it's good for the first hour 

but it gets harder 

and harder 

and soon enough I give in 

I start again 

more than ever 

finally I'm forced to stop

but I can't 

so I bargain

I bargain for perhaps 

a stick per day

and again, 

at first all is well

then I start to take it for granted 

and I do it again 

more and more each day 

- 

I lose you, I bargain 

I get you back, I take for granted 

I'm not a smoker

and neither are you a cigarette 

but you are an addiction 

and i never should have started 

even if i do regret it 

even if I admit you're no good for me 

i can't stop 

Immobile

You lay in bed the whole day

you're not hungry 

you can't do anything 

you just want to stay in bed 

under sheets 

and after awhile you feel numb 

you don't feel that upset anymore 

then you scroll past a post 

or start to uncontrollably think about it

and you start to weep 

first it starts out as a tear drop 

then you start to frown 

and before you know it 

it's the cries that 

you struggle to breathe through

your chest goes 

up down

up down 

you try to remain as silent as possible

you don't want people to ask you about it

you want 

as much as possible 

to be left alone 

till it's over 

but i don't know when will it be over

I remember love

laughing in bed

while the world was 

far away

love aching 

with 

tired eyes,

full hearts, 

and lonely skin

There are monsters who act like people 

but I know

deep down

that you're merely a person acting like a monster

I'm not

Feeling really shitty about myself recently. 

Feeling really unpretty to be exact. 

Don't get me wrong, I've never felt pretty but i look around me and it starts to hit me :

The not so pretty people are tall or skinny 

The not so skinny people are pretty or tall

The not so tall people are pretty or skinny

And if they're none, they're either clever or really nice 

And then I look back to myself and I realize, like one of my haters said on askfm, that I have "no looks no figure no personality"

that I am none of those things. 

And yknow what's the worst part? 

That the one person who made me feel good enough is the one making me feel inadequate. 

You used to call me beautiful, you don't anymore. 

You used to tell me I matter, you don't anymore. 

I'm not anymore,

I don't anymore.

If I had to be weak, I'd be weak for you

It's one of those nights after one of those days with you. 

Days I once only dreamt of 

Days I once craved for

Days I once got so often 

Days I started taking for granted 

And now, days that appear once in a blue moon

Days I want to try my best to cherish

Scrolling through tumblr, always searching for quotes that might describe you perfectly but none of them can really phrase you quite enough. 

Trying so hard to be strong through the bad times, 

learning step by step to stop relying on other things and other people for my happiness 

because I don't want to have another bad day and be able to do absolutely nothing 

but when it comes to you I become so weak and needy

detest myself for that, really

But I can't help it

I can't help but want you so badly it hurts my bones 

I can't help how I can't stop thinking about you 

I can't help but want your touch

I can't help being affected by you

And to some really messed up point, 

I want it 

I want to be so madly in love with you 

Maybe someday you will realize how much I loved you

how hard I tried to fight for you 

the times I found myself at your door when you never once made your way to mine 

the early mornings I woke up to prepare some food for you that you didn't thank me for 

maybe you'll see me and remember the letters I wrote to you 

the times I fell asleep waiting for your call

how I always tried to be there for you 

how I never wanted you to feel alone 

how I tried to move past your faults

look pass your flaws
how I'm always overreacting when actually it's just another way
to say you mean the world to me
but you can't give less of a damn when it comes to me 

but I'm so broken 

I care about you 

you care about you 

what about me? 

you don't fight for me when I say i cant do it anymore 

you know I feel so much for you

and you've got the guts to tell me you don't feel anything for me 

you don't put yourself in my shoes 

it's all about you 

how your studies will be affected

how it's not benefiting you 

how others will see you 

what people will think of you 

how I hurt you 

what you need to do for yourself 

but fuck it 

I'm over this 

why love someone who only wants you to feel anything and everything but love 

if you're laying in bed

wrapped up in sheets

of miserable thoughts

go to sleep

if thumbling through old messages 

only cause your heart to ache

and long for something unattainable

erase them 

if you can feel 

someone you love slip away from you

and your heart aches 

don't stop fighting for them

keep them with you 

if it hurts to keep 

everything you're feeling 

bottled up inside

let it out

if you're clinging onto someone

that doesn't treat you like 

you're worth the world

let them go

because sometimes

we choose to believe 

that things are only 

Indistinguishable shades of grey

when in reality, 

life is more black and white 

than it seems 

if you're unhappy 

with the way 

you are living your life

change it

I used to spend my nights loving you, mixed up in feelings of desire and heartaches. 

Now, I spend my nights trying to lose you in the mouth of stangers and the words that come out of them. 

I've watched days and months and year pass by, hoping to lose you in the distance, 

but you're never far behind. 

Silly

The way you did whatever you wanted,

despite the judgmental pricks around us.

The way you were hyper-aware of everything around you

including me. 

I watched you watch everything,

and I wanted to know all the things that went through your head 

when you were with me.

I saw you hurt

I saw you love

I will never be able to forget the way you simultaneously 

calmed my mind

and quickened my heartbeat.

I'll always remember the way you looked at me

and the way it drove me crazy

wondering what you were thinking as you did.

I'll always remember the way our hand fitted together. 

I know it's hard for you too 

you won't admit it 

but dear, 

In the 700 days spent with you 

I got glimpses of you no one else sees 

I am trying not to miss you too much.

I am trying not to regret letting you go.

Empty

i suppose im happy
at certain times
like when i am with my friends,
throwing my head back and catching my breath
as i shake with laughter
at a joke someone just made
whether it was funny or not so

but then my day turns into night
and my carefree grin turns into an unexplainable sadness,
etched on my face like your voice on my heart
and i lay amongst my sheets,
with my mind running like its chasing
and i think,
about all the things i wish i could say
all the things i'm too afraid to admit,
even with only pen, paper and mind

its nights like these when i realize
i am happy and sad,
outgoing and shy
rambunctious and quiet
brave enough to love others but scared to my bones about it

but mostly,
i am empty

Words

Every time I need someone to talk to

Every time I want to tell you something

Every emotion I want to share 

You don't get how much that affected me. 

From now on I'll hesitate

and think about

how telling you how I feel makes you only think I want sympathy 

I just lost the one person I trusted all my feelings with. 

They were right

No one truly is concern about you 

Some act like they are because they have to 

Some are just curious 

But no one cares 

Ask away

Saw this on tumblr so why not?

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
No hahahaha unless Charlotte wants the d

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?
Wrong HAH

4. Is trust a big issue for you?
Yes

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?
Yes :-)

6. What are you excited for?
The June holidays!!

7. What happened tonight?
Blogging/tumblr/music. Yes, I'm a party animal.

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?
Everyone does different things when they're wasted so it depends on what

9. Is confidence cute?
Yes. But there's a difference between confidence and cockiness

10. What is the last beverage you had?
Iced water

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
One

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?
Probably the same as tonight. Yes i need to stop partying so hard, i know

14. What are you going to spend money on next?
Food probably.

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?
Yes

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?
Most probably

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?
Charly and this person that I'm gonna name tuna

18. The last time you felt broken?
Last last night was a rough night,

20. Are you starting to realize anything?
That we should love the ones that love us and don't even bother w the rest.

21. Are you in a good mood?
Quite :-)

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?
Oh yes cause why not right? Not like I'm gonna get eaten, pssht.

24. What do you want right this second?
To be in the arms of Tuna. Okay maybe tuna was a stupid name.

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?
Probably would be too choked up to say anything

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?
No

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
My tuna and I had a good laugh this afternoon :-) hahaha

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?
Yes

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?
Depends

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?
No

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?
Yes

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?
No why not

34. Listening to?
Ron rope - Perfect for you

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?
Rarely but yes

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?
Yes

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?
No

38. Who did you last call?
Tuna

39. Who was the last person you danced with?
Tuna

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
Because i wanted to

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?
Last last week........i think

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?
No

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?
All the time

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?
Nope

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
No :(

47. Who was the last person to call you?
Probably my mum

48. Do you sing in the shower?
Hahahahahhahahahaha yes.

49. Do you dance in the car?
How to dance in that small area

54. Ever eat a pierogi?
I would tell you if i knew what a pierogi is

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
Wedding planner hahahhaha

57. Do you believe in ghosts?
Can you not, its late now la i dont want to think about it

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
Yes

62. What do you wear to bed?
Comfortable tshirts and fbts

71. Can you curl your tongue?
Yes

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
Cried whilst laughing, yes

75. Do you study better with or without music?
With

77. Ever been in love?
Yes

80. Hot tea or cold tea?
Dont really fancy tea

81. Tea or coffee?
Coffee

82. Favorite type of cookie?
White chip macadamia w/o macadamias

83. Can you swim well?
I can swim but i wont say well

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
You mean some people cant???

85. Are you patient?
Hahahhahahaha definitely not.

88. Ever have plastic surgery?
Boob job. Kidding, nope.

89. Which are better black or green olives?
No olives

92. Do you want to get married?
Yes

Yes i deleted the boring ones. Yes these are boring too. Stop it.

Half way there

I remember blogging about finishing about half my mid year papers this time last year, well deja vu for you all.


6/14 papers are done
8 more to go
this week is passing by way too slowly
i'm so exhausted
studying doesn't pay off
so full i could burst
4:38pm rn
have been using the computer since i've got home
gonna tumblr and take a nap though there's history paper tomorrow
cause why not
gonna regret it when i can't finish studying tonight
well thats for later

-

"When I’m sleeping with someone I care about, I feel protected. When their arms are around you, anything could happen, but it wouldn’t matter because the pull of their arm and the warmth of their body shows that they are there. Their heartbeat intertwines with yours, for one moment you feel like one." Mornings when you sub-conciously pull me right into your arms are the only mornings i want.

Life:

Things get better and then things are not better and then it gets better and then not better again.
But i'm pretty sure if i were to spend everyday with you by my side, things will always be better.

Fifth day of the fifth month

Happy Sunday

Probably because there's no school tmr
-MAJOR YAY-

Had macs for bfast, made my day :')
No one should ever eat macs bfast w me at home, I eat two portions and more worth of food. Like, I'm not even kidding. It's 4pm rn and I'm still full from it.
My inner fat girl needs to maintain.

So behind schedule studies wise -_-
You can do it Cally.
Study hard so I can see your face tonight, sounds good :-)

May has been pretty rough so far but I guess *fingers crossed* things will get better soon.

Sunday blues

So it's 10:46am on a Sunday morning and I'm feeling so lazy cause of the pouring rain/tsunami/typhoon happening outside my house rn. Okay maybe that was exaggerated just a little bit.

Need to study - Mid years are in a week and I haven't started
Need to lose weight - fast food everyday or a week already
Monday - macs
Tuesday - pizzahut
Wednesday - macs
Thursday - subway
Friday - pasta
Saturday - macs
Sunday - hopefully not any of the above
Need to stop being lazy - applies to everything

But if plans aren't cancelled and everything goes well, Monday blues tomorrow will be non existent because I get to spend some time with you and Tuesday should be good because it should a nice study date with Charly.

Yesterday was a very very unproductive Saturday for me but I had a good day. First one in a long time. All in all, it was a good week, I have to say :-)

So yesterday went a little like this:
630am - wake up
730am - amath lesson
900am - home
1100am - nap
1200noon - lunch
0130pm - shopping for ingredients
0300pm - baking in my living room with the aircon on, blasting music & talking
0600pm - done w baking
(explains how it took 3 hours)
0730pm - dinner & tv
0900pm - in bed already loooool
0900pm onwards - practically just used my phone till 0200am plus and fell asleep

Happy Cally is very happy :-)

15th

So my birthday was a few days ago. 23rd April was a good day. And the few closer to me would know how much I dread my birthdays. Probably because I don't like the pressure of having a certain day be perfect because well expectations lead to disappointments. But this year I had a good day :-)

Spent the first minute of my day and my late afternoon with my favorite person who was exceptionally sweet to me which was kind of weird, really. Hahaha but thank you for the flowers & the very very ugly but adorable pig which is now your jr. Thank you to Junde, Minyu, Wesley & Joey for everything :-) Dinner with Nelvin, Augus, Azirul, Aron Shannon & Charlotte was nice too. And my babes Jamie Shannon & Charlotte for preparing my very pink gifts hahaha. Also for everyone who sent me a text/tweet/fb post/present/wished me in person.

But its not about the gifts or the number of wishes, it was a good day because I got to spend it with everyone that matters to me and it made me realize that though I've been a bad friend to alot of you, the ones that really cared for me still do and that really made me feel very blessed. You know who you are, thank you x

I don't know why but I'm feeling all smiley now which is weird because today's a Wednesday night which means there's a long day ahead for me tomorrow and usually I'd be having a bad night but not tonight :-)

Probably because yesterday made me catch up/talk to people I haven't in awhile and I'm feeling blessed and so comforted to know that I still have them when I need them :-)

Counting down to:
Saturday night for my late night once in a week
Next Tuesday night because Wednesday's a holiday
Exams are next Friday - Urgh
For mid years to be over
June holidays

Hoping to sleep early tonight
My favorite music playing
Tumblr
Tonight's a good night
Too bad it's missing you
I'm missing you

A poem for each of the guys I've ever loved

i.
You were my favourite 3am
I still think the eye bags
are worth it

ii.
My new sheets can never
compare to how your bare skin
makes me feel safe

iii.
My mum still asks about you
how are you doing
how's things with you & I

iv.
My hands never seem to fit
right with anyone else's
other than yours

v.
I had the letters you wrote me framed
and hung in the darkest
and dustiest spaces of my mind

vi.
I think I need you
more than I needed anyone else
more than you need me
but I'm afraid that's going to ruin things

vii.
When you asked about
what I thought about your haircut
I only laughed because you
seemed to think I would
and i could love you less
because I won't
I can't

-

All these poems
they're all for you
there has been no one since you
and even before you

April

I wish I had the ability to write
about how your eyes shine
in the morning when you're tired
and that feeling i get when you
hold my hand

I wish I could write about
how much you mean to me
and that feeling I get when you
brush my hair away to
kiss my forehead

I wish I could write about
the nights with you
and the mornings without
write about
the beat of your pulse
the sound of your breath
your whispers

But they haven't created
the correct words that can
describe my feelings for you
and I'm far too afraid
that my thoughts and feelings
would get lost in translation

What if I over dramatize it
or underplay it
what if I exaggerate the wrong parts
and ignore the important ones

At any rate, I'll never write it quite the way I want to.

Bad day/month/year/a decade/forever

So recently I've been really just feeling less than no motivation. It's lesser than anything you've ever felt. And honestly it's been screwing my life up.

I basically can't be bother with:
my studies
my friends (if I even have any left)
my family
every other commitment under the stars

And I really feel bad about it because its affecting others. Wouldn't care if I was the only one getting screwed.

-

How absolutely selfish of me.

Just got off the phone w CT & i'm forever thankful for her retardedness, it cheers me up when i feel like hi5-ing everyone's faces.

But it's 12:52, the night's still young.
Waiting for when I think you're free to call you. And hopefully sleep well tonight.

All I want now is
you
you
you
you
you
you
you

remember when they used to have talks
in school about drugs and alcohol
and other dangerous things
that you were supposed
to stay away from?

well they never told us about
midnights spent with a boy
who makes your pulse race
or the overwhelming feeling
of waking up and seeing his face
in the morning

they forgot to warn me about you

and how it is even possible to love someone
more and more each day
is it okay?

to love someone as much as I love you

Routines

Late nights
Too early mornings
Lessons
Work to be done
Tuition lessons
More work to be done
Sleep
Very little sleep

And I can't see the end of this routine yet

But I remember
That there are still moments to spend with you.
That there are still late night walks home.
That there are Friday and Saturday nights.

It's still bad
But better.

Ed Sheeran - Kiss Me

This song reminds me so much of you.

-

Settle down with me
Cover me up
Cuddle me in

Lie down with me
And hold me in your arms

And your heart's against my chest, your lips pressed to my neck
I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet
And with a feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now

Kiss me like you wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love
Falling in love
We're falling in love

Settle down with me
And I'll be your safety
You'll be my lady

I was made to keep your body warm
But I'm cold as the wind blows so hold me in your arms

Yeah, I've been feeling everything from hate to love from love to lust 
From lust to truth I guess that's how I know you
So I hold you close to help you give it up 

- 

We're falling in love all over again

If I were to define love
I would say it is
Looking at a person
And seeing a feeling

If I were to define the feeling
I would say it is
Looking at you
And seeing love

A goodnight

Seeing the outline of your face through the darkness
How you hold me in your arms and pull me closer
I could stay awake no matter how tired I was to just stare at you

Lying in bed with you
feeling you next to me
I could swear that in those moments
nothing else mattered
And once again I'm reminded of why its all worth it
-
Because you're the only thing that matters

It's like
You still amaze me
And I don't think I'll ever be able to get used to you

I can't help but think about how much easier my days will be
If I got to spend my nights with you by my side

Everything I couldn't tell you

Letters

With a combination of twenty-six letters
you can captivate one's soul
steal their heart
leave them in awe.

With a combination of twenty-six letters
you can make their eyes fill with tears
and give them enough pain
to last a lifetime.

And i thought I hated it when you used words to hurt me
but now that i'm not even
worth
a combination of your twenty-six letters..

-

I still have got many combinations of my twenty-six letters for you.

Who are you, really?

You are not a name
or a height, or a weight
or a gender
you are not an age
and you are not where you
come from
nor are you who you think you
should be

you are your favourite places
and the songs stuck in your head
you are your thoughts
and the way you are alone
you are the places you dream of going
you are the people you have met
and the things that you hold dearly to your heart

you are a thousand things
but everyone chooses to
see the million things
you are not

you are not
where you have been
you are
where you are going to go
and I'd like
to go there too.

Just Friends

I know that I don't own you,
          and perhaps I never will,
          so my anger when you're with her,
          I have no right to feel.

I know that you don't owe me,
          and I shouldn't ask for more;
          I shouldn't feel so let down,
          all the times when you don't call.

What I feel, I shouldn't show you,
          so when you're around I won't;
          I know I have no right to feel it -
          but that doesn't mean I don't.

- Lang Leav

New year's resolution...not

I have decided not to do a list of resolutions cause come on let's be honest here, they're not gonna happen. And making a list will become a burden because its like a promise to yourself and the people you've told and in the end it'll just make you unnecessarily unhappy which is just stupid.

So from 2012 I've learnt that people just do shit that they want. They feel like leaving you - they do it. They feel like just being your best friend in like a few seconds - they do it. My point is that at this age, everyone's figuring everything out and things are changing every second.

Day by day we don't really notice, but just look back at the past year and you will realize everything has. God was things different this time last year.

The people I thought was going to be there forever aren't, and the people I never imagined talking to are one of my best friends rn.

Life makes little sense, and the more we grow the less sense it'll make. So this year, I'm gonna make the most of everything and be happy. Make myself happy before it all changes once again, because in the very near future, all these will be just memories.

I've gone through yet another year of bullshit, I can totally do it again.

Life is short and it sucks most of the time so lets be happy you penguins.