countdown

ten, nine, eight

it's all too late

seven, six, five
i could have loved you all my life

four, three, two
there's nothing more that I will do

we're down to one

and i've finally decided that i'm done

I am the people I meet

l'm the guy I met a few times at the bar

because I eat the sweet he eats 

when he's smoking when I'm smoking

I am my sister

because the song she listens to

when she's feeling fucked up

is the song I listen to when I'm high

I am my mother

because the first cigarette I've tasted

is the cigarette she dutifully smokes

I am the guy I could have loved

because he's perfect

but I'm not & thats okay

I am my used to be best friend

I'm so happy she's at a good place

a place I'll never be 

a place I thank god I'll never be 

I am the person I once loved

because I still look for him

in everyone I try to not love

I am my friend

because I compare myself to her 

with every bite i take 

I am the person I should have loved

because I think about him

when I shouldn't 

but it's too late

but mostly, I think I'm my own person

because I'm made out of the people I've met

no one will meet the same bunch of people

I am feeling alive but I'm undoubtly dead inside 

1 down, 5 to go

Having a major case of monday blues rn. 

Definitely not going to be happy waking up at 630 in the morning tomorrow after 7 weeks of semester break :-( But frankly speaking i'm pretty excited to get back to school, partly because i want to get poly over and done with as soon as possible and partly because i want to get back to being busy, busy is good, busy is a form of distraction, busy makes me feel like i'm not just idling my days away. 

Aka:

• Waking up before the sun rises
• School
• Dance
• Work
• Assignments
• Volunteering
• All-nighters at starbucks

Things to look forward to in Nov:

• Being productive 
• Hongkong trip w abm
• Danzation
• Neon lights festival

Needless to say, this enthusiasm will prolly last for about 5 mins till i get worn out and start complaining about all the commitments i brought upon myself... Back to waking up at 630 every morning, late night dance practices, working till 1230am & many many more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Here's to a good 2/6 :-)

Just what i needed

"There's so much more to life than finding someone who will want you, or being sad over someone who doesn't. There's a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself without hoping someone will fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn't need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with your friends, wander around the city at night, sit in a coffee shop on your own, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love, but don't romanticize life like you can't survive without it. Live for yourself & be happy on your own. It isn't any less beautiful, I promise." 

Emery Allen

I'm sorry I can't give you a call or send you a text asking if you're okay. I know you're not but my dear, if I did, it would show you that cared about you. I want to help but if I do, you'd assume this is what I expect from you too and you'd text me the next time you think I'm not doing well. I can't let you do that. I can't let you do that because in your eyes, I'm never well. just because I don't have the things that make you happy doesn't mean I'm not happy. I'm not you, why can't you just understand that. why do you make me feel so fucking pathetic and sad, like I'm trying to justify my well being. why can't you just accept that maybe I am perfectly alright. can you please stop trying to force your ideal life down my throat. I don't want that, I don't, please. you have to believe me, you have to believe what I tell you so that I'll believe it too.

Depth over distance

it's not about how long you live,

it's about how much depth you have in you

some people have lived more at 17 than someone at 70 

it's not about how long you've met someone,

it's about how much you've done with them, how much you know them 

it's not about how many years you've studied,

it's about how much you've learnt 

it's not about how the length of the letter you've written, 

it's what you've written in it 

it's usually not the distance that breaks two people up,

it's the inevitable lack of love & effort that comes with it

it's not quantity,

it's quality 

it's depth,

depth over distance 

I'm numb and way too easy

it's currently 4am, the alcohol's out of my system & I can't depend on its high to get me to fall asleep anymore. 

I can't stop thinking. 

I can't stop thinking about you. 

I can't stop thinking about 

how you said I had pretty nails 

when they weren't even painted, 

how I wanted to but didn't get my nails painted

my favourite shade of red 

because of your little drunk ass comment the other night, 

how you've subtly left a trail of poison. 

I can't stop thinking about 

the way you told me you like my hair, 

how it doesn't have any split ends.

I can't stop thinking about 

your hand on my cheek 

as you pulled me closer to you, 

the little chill that danced up my spine

when you kissed me. 

i can't stop thinking about

the view we saw when your arms were

wrapped around my waist. 

I can't stop thinking 

about the song that was playing 

when your body was against mine. 

I can't stop thinking 

about how soft your lips felt 

against my fingers, 

the way your jawline felt in my hands, 

I swear I remember the edges that I held on to. 

I can't stop thinking about 

the taste of vodka on your tongue,

I can still feel it writhing in my veins. 

- 

I can't stop thinking about 

the frantic butterflies I felt 

in my throat when I told you

I was going to regret you in the morning.

I can't stop thinking about how much I actually don't regret it.

my parents taught me what love is

if love is hitting your wife and then wiping her blood away as you hold her in your arms saying you're sorry, if love is sleeping with another person whilst your wife is anxiously waiting for you at home, if love is yelling, if love is cursing, if love is violence, if love is watching your wife attempt suicide for the 3rd time after you've "tried your best to take it work", if love is working hard to provide for the family, so hard you fall in love w your co-worker, if love is leaving your children behind to sleep in another house with someone else's children, if love is telling your children how flawed their mother is, if love is giving up a beautiful home, a family, sleep in saturdays together, sunday morning breakfasts, singing your children to sleep,

if love is seeing my mother give up on me because she gave up on herself, if love is living across the world in another country, away from your kids, with a guy you've met for a few months, if love is worrying about getting married to your boyfriend when your son's taking medicine for his depression, if love is whatsapping to let me know when you're NOT coming back, if love is sending gifts when i told you you need to come home for us, if love is leaving your children behind when you know their father did the same, if love is telling a 17 year old to "hang in there for now" after leaving her to carry your weight on her shoulders,

i think I'll pass. 

love will save you, but it won't save me

you say you want to be there for me when I need you

you say you want to make me a better person

you say I'm better than this

you say you want to save me 

you say you'll be there to listen when I want to talk 

you say you know what will make me feel better 

but I don't want to need anyone

I don't want anyone to change me 

I don't want to change 

I don't want to be better

I don't need to be saved 

I don't want to tell you anything 

I don't think you know what I want

so stop holding your breath 

and please please please 

stop thinking & acting like yknow me 

you have no idea 

somedays I won't be able to swallow the poison working its way out of my throat and when you hear what I have to say, you won't be able to handle all the things I've done wrong. you'll realize I'm more work than you're willing to put into someone. after that, the closest you'll get to me will be occasional but unavoidable flitting thoughts of me. 

and sweetheart, when you think of me, you'll think of things coming unhinged and falling apart. 

Between the bars by Elliot Smith

Drink up baby, stay up all night

With the things you could do

You won't but you might

The potential you'll be

That you'll never see

The promises you'll only make

Drink up with me now

And forget all about

The pressure of days

Do what I say

And I'll make you okay

And drive them away

The images stuck in your head

People you've been before

That you don't want around anymore

That push and shove and won't bend to your will

I'll keep them still

Drink up baby, look at the stars

I'll kiss you again between the bars

Where I'm seeing you there

With your hands in the air

Waiting to finally be caught

Drink up one more time

And I'll make you mine

Keep you apart,

Deep in my heart

Separate from the rest,

Where I like you the best

And keep the things you forgot

The people you've been before

That you don't want around anymore

That push and shove and won't bend to your will

I'll keep them still

Good movies

• The art of getting by

• 500 days of summer

• Kill your darlings 

• Stuck in love

• The imitation game 

• Perks of being a wallflower

• If I stay

• Papertowns

• Friends with benefits 

• No strings attached 

• My sister's keeper

• The best of me 

• What if

• Love, Rosie

• The riot club

• Beastly

• The vow

• The notebook

• Dear John

Holiday to-do list

So i'm finally done with my first poly semester and i am very very VERY excited for the next 7 weeks of semester break. And so, to make the most out of my holiday, i've been writing down things i've been wanting to do but couldn't because of school, assignments, examinations and all that stuff and complied them into a list.

1. Read, read, read
2. Sleep in
3. Learn to play more songs on the piano, ukulele and guitar
4. Learn how to read scores (!!!!!!!!)
5. Watch movies
6. EXERCISE 
7. Work 
8. Sort my music out into playlists and genres
9. Have drinks and food whilst listening to live music
10. Put aside time for skincare
11. Cafe hop
12. Write (more)
13. Attend arts events
14. Go to places i've never been to
15. BUNGEE
16. Stay awake from when the sun sets till it rises (enjoy the stillness of 4ams)
17. Visit record stores (listen to music - old music, new music, bad music, good music)
18. Go to USS so many times i don't feel the adrenaline from rollercoasters anymore
19. Find comfort in solitude
20. Stay high

could it be that i can't feel anymore?

it's 1241 in the morning and my thoughts that have been piling up over the past few months are starting to spill over, giving me an unsettling feeling in pit of my stomach.

i haven't been able to commit to anyone this year. i've been craving being alone and i've been craving the fucked up life i've got a glimpse of during the holidays. i don't know if its due to fear of unreciprocated trust or if it's me wanting to be detached from everyone but either way, it's something that i've (hopefully) made my mind up on.

i've lost people this year, people that i would never have dreamt of drifting away from a year or two ago. a group of friends - people that i've subconsciously stopped prioritising a long time ago. it took them leaving for me to notice that i haven't seen them in almost a year. a close friend of mine - someone that wasn't who i thought he was. they say opposites attract but i've figured it's not true. what if he's okay with the mediocre life we're all living but you want to feel adrenaline pumping through your veins for the rest of your life? what if he wants to surround himself with groups and groups of people whilst your desperately trying to get away? what if things that make you feel don't make him feel? what if he needs someone to constantly want him, someone who works on his friendship but you stopped working on people a long time ago? the answer is, then you drift. and the worst part of it all is that i don't feel a loss when i should. a part of me wants to feel like i need to make an effort for these people. because my lack of attachment to everyone is making me feel like i can't feel anymore.

but i can't help it. i see the people around me worrying about things that mean so little, i see them prioritising everything but themselves, i see them crying out for attention in hopes to validate the effort they put into pleasing others. and i cross my fingers, i hope and hope that i'm not and won't be someone like that anymore. i know darn well how it feels like to be dependent on people, to have them decide if i was having a good day or not. but at 15 i realised that people stop trying after a while and they can only love you as much as you make yourself able to love. no one's going to be there for you if you disappear for months, no one is going to tell you you're beautiful if you don't take care of yourself and make an effort to be beautiful. you're only wanted if you make yourself easy to want. and for what? i've never met anyone that would keep giving and giving to someone who doesn't give back. all this dependency, all this talk about unconditional love, all these promises of being there for me, all this bullshit.

these thoughts are draining me more and more everyday. but i chose this, i chose to not give anyone the power to affect and i chose to not have anyone waste their time on me. i'm not worth it, they'll see. my secrets are darker than any of those anyone has ever told me and if they didn't know if i could handle their secret, i sure as hell know they won't be able to handle mine. i don't even want to go near the deepest, dirtiest parts of my soul, why would you?

"what do you want to be when you grow up?" 

"dead"

Life is a series of 'yes's and 'no's;

sitting in a cafe at 7pm w coffee and a book - yes
waking up before the sun rises - no
late nights out with good company - yes
running out of coke in your fridge - no
semester breaks - yes
school - (arguably) no

it's an infinite list, you get the idea.

but there are exceptions,
there are shades of gray inbetween the black and white

you are amongst my shades of gray,
you're a maybe

Drifting Away

feeling good about myself recently -

for working on my flexibility & strength & dance & doing my work & volunteering & reading more & not feeling so lost w my responsibilities 

feeling bad about myself occasionally -

for choosing the things I love over the people I love 

(more often that I should) 

when did I become so apathetic to the people around me?

relationships take so much effort;

to be a true friend to someone takes constant meet ups,

constant updates,

constant sharing,

taking care of the person,

being in the person's life.

else it would turn into a meaningless friendship 

with shallow conversations,

forced interactions,

superficial updates 

& pretend interest in each other's business

I don't mean my "see you soon"s anymore

I don't mean my apologies anymore

- 

is this growing up or is this growing apart?

"If you could slides your hands

through the spaces 

of my ribcage

slip your fingers past 

my heaving lungs

to touch my anxious heart,

you would find that it is yours to hold."

A week to school

To-do-list:

• Do nails 

• Dye hair (not into my reddish hair at the moment) 

• Buy stationery 

• Do brows 

• Sort out the mess in my room 

• Head down to ngee ann poly to get my shirt 

• Fix my bodyclock 

• Salvage this space from being a complete ghost town 

Someone new

Have you ever met someone new 

& realize you really do like him as a person,

even though you know probably nothing about him

Have you ever met someone new?

Someone that makes you laugh so much,

someone that makes you nervous 

(even tho you hardly ever get nervous)

Have you ever met someone new? 

Someone that tho you barely know,

you tell him about your likes & hobbies

& your funny stories about things at work 

& your embarrassing drinking stories 

Have you ever met someone new? 

& on your way home,

on your long bus ride,

you play a song you've recently started listening to 

& you replay it & replay it

& you just know it'll remind you of him 

the next time you listen to it 

Have you ever met someone new? 

Have you forgotten how it felt like 

to innocently enjoy someone's company?

Have you ever met someone new?

& you wish & wish that they were 

thinking of you throughout the night too

& that they'd muster the courage to text you first 

Have you ever met someone new? 

Someone that you may forget soon enough 

or perhaps

Someone that may be here to stay 

it's been so long

long enough for seasons to change 

long enough for some stars to fade

I can't deny that some of my favourite songs still remind me of you 

or should I say they are my favourite songs 

because they remind me of you 

I don't regret it

but don't get me wrong,

I don't want or need you back 

but I can't say I forgot how you made me feel

I just

I just forgot how to feel that way with you anymore

Things to look forward to

A few years from now, when we're about 20 and have our own apartments, I'll drive down to your place, knock on your door & tell you I don't feel like spending the night alone and you'd let me in, make me a cup of hot chocolate & watch a movie with me till I fall asleep on your shoulder. I'll forget how I even manage to fall asleep on empty & lonely nights.

A few years from now, when we're about 20 and have our licences & cars, we'd go for a drive. You'll pick me up from my driveway & I'll be wearing my most comfortable pair of pj pants and you won't be surprised I didn't dress up because you know how I fall asleep easily during car rides. We'd drive by the beach & into town, passing the high rise buildings and we'd get icecream & coffee at a cafe some place far away. I'll sing loudly to the songs I'm only comfortable to play out loud infront of you & you'll ask me to keep it down but I'll see the grin you have on your face & I'll know you don't mean it. At the end of the night you'll drop me off & I'll invite you in for coffee and you'll want to say no because you're afraid you'd be too tempted to stay the night but you say yes anyways.