I dream about

I dream about crisp mornings -
grey skies greeting the cold waters on damp beaches at dawn
I want to wear my worn out pullover that barely keeps me warm,
dig my toes into the sand and feel it seep between my toes.
Sit on breakwaters and watch the sunrise
before going back to my apartment for waffles and roasted potatoes.

I dream about living alone in an apartment that overlooks the city,
maybe on the eleventh floor,
so that atleast for awhile i'm further away from the streets i once wandered.
I want to sit on gray couches for dinner
and on high chairs after, sipping on my full glass of cabernet sauvignon
whilst listening to Rachael Yamagata, perhaps.

I dream about red lips and black dresses,
about slipping into bed with damp hair and no clothes.
I dream about not having to set alarms for before the sun rises,
I want to stop dragging myself out of bed.
I want to stop dragging myself to anywhere i don't want to be at.

I dream about 5am sunrises by the beach
and 8am runs.
I dream about 11am brunches
and 3pm naps.
I dream about 7pm dinners
and 10pm red wine.
I dream about 2am skinny dippings
and falling asleep at 4am to vinyls.

I dream about the days i stop thinking of life as a labyrinth.
Somedays I still dream about you,
but mostly I dream about me.

This just isn't for me

Between you and i
there is a familiarity -
the comfort from the years we've been friends,
the sacred "don't tell anyone else but"s and "you'll be okay without her"s.

Between you and i
there was a thin piece of sheet,
the barrier that differentiated almost and too late.
It was what we were so glad was there but simultaneously wished wasn't.

Between you and i
was an infinity that would never get smaller,
it held the things that were important to you -
the things that will always be irrelevant to me.
It was my ambition and your lack of confidence,
it was your insecurities and my apathy.
It was effort that wouldn't reap outcome,
the epitome of things that aren't meant to be.

Between you and i
were "i miss you"s that you wanted to hear
and "i love you"s that i didn't mean.
I wished you didn't call me dear,
and that you'd rethink all the parts of me you think you've seen.

I'm so sorry,
I'm so sorry.

falling out of love

it hurts
i thought the endorphins from running would numb it
but i still feel a sinking, drowning feeling in the pit of my stomach
running felt good for awhile
till i reached the beach and saw a plane flew by
it reminded me of endings and goodbyes

falling out of love with you started
when you pulled away and avoided my touch
it continued with you letting me walk home alone in the middle of the night
falling out of love with you happened the same time as falling in love with you

falling out of love with you confused me
i never knew when i started falling in love with you
i never knew i could fall out of love with someone i was never with
i knew you were there, i know you have always been there
i guess i forgot how things felt like without knowing you're a call away

falling out of love with you felt like hell
it felt like interlocked fingers and eyelashes on cheeks
it sounded like your breathing and classical music
it looked like a painted picture of heads on shoulders and nights beside each other
it tasted like 4am goodnight wishes

for the last time all at once

falling out of love with you hurt the most
when i realized you were done with falling out of love with me
it hurt the most when i could count down the hours, minutes, moments to when i'd last see you
i've heard that not being able to say goodbye hurts
but i think goodbye hurts most when right in front of it

you asked me how long i'd need
maybe i need as much time falling out of love with you as i did falling in love with you
;4 years
i won't see you when i think i'm no longer in love with you
i'll see when i can't fall in love with you anymore

first and last

A -

I pressed my ear to your chest

& heard the ocean beneath your skin;

tell me that the water's warm

& I'll follow you back in.

Tell me you're a mermaid

& I'll walk into the sea;

I'll let the waves rise up,

I'll let them bury me. 

(- Tyler Knott Gregson)