Depth over distance

it's not about how long you live,

it's about how much depth you have in you

some people have lived more at 17 than someone at 70 

it's not about how long you've met someone,

it's about how much you've done with them, how much you know them 

it's not about how many years you've studied,

it's about how much you've learnt 

it's not about how the length of the letter you've written, 

it's what you've written in it 

it's usually not the distance that breaks two people up,

it's the inevitable lack of love & effort that comes with it

it's not quantity,

it's quality 

it's depth,

depth over distance 

I'm numb and way too easy

it's currently 4am, the alcohol's out of my system & I can't depend on its high to get me to fall asleep anymore. 

I can't stop thinking. 

I can't stop thinking about you. 

I can't stop thinking about 

how you said I had pretty nails 

when they weren't even painted, 

how I wanted to but didn't get my nails painted

my favourite shade of red 

because of your little drunk ass comment the other night, 

how you've subtly left a trail of poison. 

I can't stop thinking about 

the way you told me you like my hair, 

how it doesn't have any split ends.

I can't stop thinking about 

your hand on my cheek 

as you pulled me closer to you, 

the little chill that danced up my spine

when you kissed me. 

i can't stop thinking about

the view we saw when your arms were

wrapped around my waist. 

I can't stop thinking 

about the song that was playing 

when your body was against mine. 

I can't stop thinking 

about how soft your lips felt 

against my fingers, 

the way your jawline felt in my hands, 

I swear I remember the edges that I held on to. 

I can't stop thinking about 

the taste of vodka on your tongue,

I can still feel it writhing in my veins. 

- 

I can't stop thinking about 

the frantic butterflies I felt 

in my throat when I told you

I was going to regret you in the morning.

I can't stop thinking about how much I actually don't regret it.

my parents taught me what love is

if love is hitting your wife and then wiping her blood away as you hold her in your arms saying you're sorry, if love is sleeping with another person whilst your wife is anxiously waiting for you at home, if love is yelling, if love is cursing, if love is violence, if love is watching your wife attempt suicide for the 3rd time after you've "tried your best to take it work", if love is working hard to provide for the family, so hard you fall in love w your co-worker, if love is leaving your children behind to sleep in another house with someone else's children, if love is telling your children how flawed their mother is, if love is giving up a beautiful home, a family, sleep in saturdays together, sunday morning breakfasts, singing your children to sleep,

if love is seeing my mother give up on me because she gave up on herself, if love is living across the world in another country, away from your kids, with a guy you've met for a few months, if love is worrying about getting married to your boyfriend when your son's taking medicine for his depression, if love is whatsapping to let me know when you're NOT coming back, if love is sending gifts when i told you you need to come home for us, if love is leaving your children behind when you know their father did the same, if love is telling a 17 year old to "hang in there for now" after leaving her to carry your weight on her shoulders,

i think I'll pass. 

love will save you, but it won't save me

you say you want to be there for me when I need you

you say you want to make me a better person

you say I'm better than this

you say you want to save me 

you say you'll be there to listen when I want to talk 

you say you know what will make me feel better 

but I don't want to need anyone

I don't want anyone to change me 

I don't want to change 

I don't want to be better

I don't need to be saved 

I don't want to tell you anything 

I don't think you know what I want

so stop holding your breath 

and please please please 

stop thinking & acting like yknow me 

you have no idea 

somedays I won't be able to swallow the poison working its way out of my throat and when you hear what I have to say, you won't be able to handle all the things I've done wrong. you'll realize I'm more work than you're willing to put into someone. after that, the closest you'll get to me will be occasional but unavoidable flitting thoughts of me. 

and sweetheart, when you think of me, you'll think of things coming unhinged and falling apart. 

Between the bars by Elliot Smith

Drink up baby, stay up all night

With the things you could do

You won't but you might

The potential you'll be

That you'll never see

The promises you'll only make

Drink up with me now

And forget all about

The pressure of days

Do what I say

And I'll make you okay

And drive them away

The images stuck in your head

People you've been before

That you don't want around anymore

That push and shove and won't bend to your will

I'll keep them still

Drink up baby, look at the stars

I'll kiss you again between the bars

Where I'm seeing you there

With your hands in the air

Waiting to finally be caught

Drink up one more time

And I'll make you mine

Keep you apart,

Deep in my heart

Separate from the rest,

Where I like you the best

And keep the things you forgot

The people you've been before

That you don't want around anymore

That push and shove and won't bend to your will

I'll keep them still