everything we used to know, crashed into the great unknown

when we unanimously said one of our favourite parts of Paris was the Champs Élysées, i brushed it off as sheer coincidence - told myself it was as insignificant as the odds of, say, people having apple as their favorite fruit or black as their favourite color. now, i don't think i could ever go back to Paris, stand in front of it and not think of you.

i found comfort in knowing you were smart, in a conventional (rather than unconventional) way. partly because i didn't have to exhaust myself with unravelling unconventional intelligence (a good change for once) and mostly because you could always understand the way i play with my words, especially when i used them to edge on sarcasm or dark humor.

in hindsight i guess maybe this was inevitable. despite the way we cohesively agreed on my favourite songs & your favourite tv shows, despite the comfort i felt sitting next to you, almost like i've known you for a long time. despite having nights when i wanted to go back out in the rain just to kiss you goodbye, despite the way you said i made you feel when i first caught your eye.

truth is, it was a lot, maybe too much. some things get too much, it becomes not enough. it was almost enough. but it never is, it's never enough.

now we've resorted to half-hearted conversations & talking about the weather & not being able to say a simple "i'm not feeling well" because we're not sure what either of us would, or could, say. if we could avoid being where we've ended up now by giving up the summer we had, would you? when you first asked me if we were platonic, should i have said yes? would i ever hear you say "for you, always" to me again?

why i fell out of love with all four of you

the way you swirled me around and slow danced with me
will never make up for the way you treated me
you watched my heart break
and you never really bothered to pick up the pieces
so the broken shards made my feet bleed
each time i walked back to you
we loved immensely, fiercely
i know you loved me
but some days i could have swore
you were more in love with yourself than me

it was pure, simple love
we were at the (so called) best part of dating for months on end
you loved my wit and i adored your heart
i could have stayed in that state with you for a long, long time
i know i could
but as all sunrises eventually set,
your beliefs were ones i could never uphold
you wanted to settle, be grounded
and mundane scares the living hell out of me

you said i wasn't much of a mystery
but god did i wish i knew that it was only because
you didn't know me at all
& i did not
and now i see it
every time i wanted you, you suddenly didn't want me anymore
so i decided for myself that some things will always be better remembered than experienced again
when i left you didn't even stop me

and you
you were there for me every step of the way,
between your enthusiasm to settle down
and my desire for the fascinating rather than the lacklustre,
there was a distance that couldn't be filled with however many sweet nothings you whispered in my ear
your insecurity and constant need for assurance tired me out
i can't and i won't mend things that are broken
you wanted me to need you but there isn't anything i need that i can't give myself
you would have given me the world
but i had my own

by principle i shouldn't even like you. you're mostly mean in the name of honesty, you assume you're entitled to some parts of my body, you have a god damn superiority complex where you think anything that is not done the way you would do it is second best and we don't even share the same religious or cultural beliefs but jesus christ you're smart, you can hold your own, you don't think anyone in their right mind would get married in their early twenties, you're ambitious and you're unpredictable, and you've thrown me into this weird ass space where i actually think about you more than i should & i dont know what that means for me or for you or for us.

and i guess that's that.

maybe i just want someone that’ll buy me my fav flowers
someone that’ll meet me in the middle of the night
and sit with me & listen to my favourite songs by the beach

someone that wouldn’t just call me when they’re drunk
or keep saying they need me around
someone that understands that i’ll never be theirs
because i’m only my own

someone that’ll kiss me in the rain
and take me on long drives
& not ask me about what scares me
or why i don’t like to talk about certain things

someone who’ll stop trying to dig deep into my bones
someone who’ll just make me laugh till i ache & feel a little safer

some days i miss you so much my soul aches

if you didn’t have such a ear for music,
maybe i wouldn’t miss you as much when my favourite songs play

days like this, i think so much about you
-
about how you were, how you could be & about how you are
i want more for you,
things don’t feel right with you being there & me being here

so i try to drown you out
by spending all my time occupied with music & booze & laughter
but i still wake up in the middle of the night on some days
walk over to where you used to sleep
& wish i could sit with you & talk about endless nothings like we used to

you’d tell me to listen to this & that song
i’d tell you to watch this & that movie
we’d sneak in a fag
& head to bed feeling a little less empty

some things (& people) you love so much,
it’s easier to try not to love them at all

why do we have to contemplate things for more than they are

why do we have to put a label on everything 

why can’t i hold you 

without having to think of if it means that 

i want to fucking be with you for the rest of my life

-

can’t it just be because i like the way you smell like cigarettes?

just leave it be 

maybe some things are just meant to be floating on the surface 

why do we always have to make it sink so deep we drown