I barely even know you

Can't help but think of you 
as the song "Say Something" plays on the radio

Oh no, shabby sad love songs remind me of you,
though I barely even know you

Trying my best to fall asleep,

seeing that you had no problem drifting away yourself

But it's hard to be contented
sleeping in a bed you used to lay beside me in

And still, I barely even know you

Losing my mind trying to understand yours

then again, I prolly never even crossed your mind

It's heartaching, how is it possible that after all this while, 

I still barely even know you?

The TMI tag

Seeing that December is coming to an end real soon & that I haven't blogged for the entire month (?????????!!!??!????), I thought I would just post a quick TMI tag post, inspired by Jennim's most recent YouTube video! 

Hopefully I'll get off my lazy ass & post some pictures & updates on my hols so far and/or some writing I'm been putting off, so stay around!!! 

Okay here goes, 

1. What are you wearing? 

- An oversized tshirt from cotton on mens & a pair of cotton on's black basic sleeping shorts.

2. Ever been in love?

- I would say yes. (but who can really define love?)

3. Ever had a terrible breakup?

- Terrible would be an exaggeration so no.

4. How tall are you? 

- 162cm.

5. How much do you weigh? 

- Enough.

6. Any tattoos?

- No.

7. Any piercings?

- Just one on each of my ears.

8. OTP (One true pairing)

- Chuck & Blair from Gossipgirl

9. Favourite show

- Gossipgirl/how I met your mother

10. Favourite band

- I don't have a favourite!

11. Something you miss

- 406! 

12. Favourite song

- (At the moment) Lay me down by Sam Smith 

13. How old are you?

- 16

14. Zodiac Sign

- Tiger/Taurus

15. Quality you look for in a partner

- Faithfulness 

16. Favourite Quote

- Wild hearts can't be broken

17. Favourite Actress

- I really like Amanda seyfried & Lily Collins

18. Favourite color

- White 

19. Loud music or soft?

- Volume wise, definitely loud. Genre wise, I prefer soft. 

20. Where do you go when you're sad?

- I find comfort in just laying in bed, snuggled up under my blanket.

21. How long does it take for you to shower? 

- 15 to 20 minutes

22. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning.

- Including choosing clothes & bathing, prolly one & a half hours 

23. Ever been in a physical fight?

- Not that I can remember. 

24. Turn on

- Nice backs (trying to not sound weird at all) 

25. Turn off

- sweaty people 

26. The reason I started blogging

- To have something to look back on & reminisce in the future.

27. Fears

- Rejection

28. Last thing that made you cry

- This is really silly but watching contestants leave on masterchef gets me everytime. 

29. Last time you said you love someone? 

- Prolly about 3 months ago

30. Meaning behind my blog name

- Basically just what my friends call me & the year I was born.

31. Last book you read

- The silver linings playbook.

32. The book you're currently reading

- He's just not that into you

33. Last show you watched 

- Pyramid

34. Last person you talked to

- My brother, Ryan (like 2 seconds ago)

35. The relationship behind you & the last person you texted 

- Friends (I think)

36. Favourite food

- Potato/Seafood

37. Place you want to visit 

- Paris

38. Last place you were

- East point 

39. Do you have a crush

- I'd say no.

40. Last time you kissed someone

- On the cheek, about a month ago 

41. Last time you were insulted

- Can't remember but jokingly, should be recently 

42. Favourite flavour of sweet

- Grape 

43. What instruments do you play

- A little of the piano & ukulele

44. Favorite piece of jewellery 

- Diamond earrings

45. Last sport you played

- Went cycling a few days back

46. Last song you sang

- Blank space by taylor swift (I'm embarrassed)

47. Favourite chat up line

- Are you an orphanage? Cause I would like to give you kids. 

48. Have you ever used it?

- NO HAHAHAHA

49. Last time you hung out with anyone

- Hung out w cazan(a) earlier today!

50. Who should answer these questions next?

- Anyone that wants to :-) 

It's just too little, too late

Feeling less than nothing.

I haven't stopped thinking about you -

your unlitted eyes & weary gestures 

I miss the way your voice sounded next to my ear.

It was just a week ago when you laid by my side, 

hands pressed against me. 

I can't seem to forget how your body felt against mine.

Whatever we have (had) 

isn't something I can pull out of the context of my life.

I can tell this story of ours in order though.

That night in Australia with sheepish smiles
& a warm heart over a mere phonecall.

I disavowed it, I'd admit now.

But i realise it's best I do away with it;

the cautious thinking and false solitude,

even my sordid consolations. 

Admiting to only the surface of my feelings was a sham -

truth is I'm powerless over the anguish that filled my blood 
each time you tell me you love me, 

each time you show me you want me. 

My sensible speeches only came across as attempts to create a void between us

but it failed - 

just as it did trying to fill the emptiness

inside of me when I'm without you. 

I know you cared about me,

and I hope you saw that I cared about you too.

I hope you saw the messages I conveyed to you subtly -

like letting your hand brush against mine or when I held your arms 

I regret not going to the movies with you,

all three of them.

And as I scroll through our conversations,

self loathing crawls up my throat 
each time I see an unreplied text or an "I love you too" I didn't say back. 

I do, I do.

This is my apology, 

a poem for you, a regret for me.

But apologies are pointless, 

I figured. 

I hope it's not too late.

I can't lose you, not this time again.
I hope you're okay. (you're not)

Do you remember what we promised our forty year old selves? 
Did you mean it? 
I did.

Now all I hear is your deafening silence haunting me,

making me feel a strange emptiness in the pit of my stomach. 

I feel your lights fading, so am I.

I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared. 

-

Last time I felt like this, I got hurt.

This time, it's you I don't want to hurt.

Will this be good enough?

I'm sorry I can't love you as a lover,

but I promise I'll try my best to love you as a friend.

not so white canvas

you'll meet someone that makes you laugh,

someone that takes care of you

and offers to hold your hand 

he'll brighten up your day,

sometimes bicker with you

but still be there for you 

he'll protect you, 

stand up for you,

think of you

thing is,

he doesn't make you feel butterflies,

he doesn't understand your favourite songs

nor does he believe in things that you do 

he won't say he loves you 

he won't kiss away your tears 

he won't be the one you bring home to your family 

he can't make your heart skip a beat,
he can't leave you wanting more,
he can't be your one & only  

it's an awful truth -

he's pretty perfect, just not perfect for you 

And at the end of the day, who is to say who has it worse - 

The daughter who avoids her father 
or the mother who misses her child? 

5th

When was the last time I missed someone I just saw? 

I have so much to say to you, most of it revolves around your absence and the rest of it, about your presence. 

Oh and, that I might have fallen for you. 

What is the name of the precise moment 

when you realize that you've actually forgotten 

how it felt like to really like somebody

from a long time ago?

It's kinda heartaching hearing you tell her you love her. 

6 things my mother never told me

You won't like your name
until you hear someone say it in their sleep.

Never stop texting someone you want to text. 

If you love them at 815am, tell them.

If you still love them at 5pm, tell them again. 

Like wise, don't text someone you don't want to text.
You wouldn't want someone
to text you when they don't really want to either.

You will be scared of all kinds of things,

of spiders and clowns and eating alone, 

but your biggest fear will be
that people see you the way you see yourself 

You will learn how to sleep alone,

how to avoid the cold corners but still fill a bed.

You can love someone and hate them, all at once.
You can miss them till you ache

but still ignore them when they call. 

June hols (start)

well I don't think it's counted the start of the holidays but it's kinda the end of the start & it's gonna be the start of the end soon (do I even make sense)

but basically the past one week of my holiday since extended curriculum ended went a little like this:

sleeping in till 530pm

dramas

variety shows
youtube

how I met your mother marathons 

supper at 12am in the morning 
tumblr
tumblr

sleeping at 4am
youtube

piano

piano

piano

(re)read delirium & looking for Alaska 

eating excessively 

attempted to run (emphasize on attempted)

the fault in our stars aka sundate w Ziqing (yay I left my house???????)

I attempted to study today so I headed down to Siglap starbucks but ended up going to Minyu's place w Junde eventually to feed his fish and just laze around (what the actual.....) 

kinda in panic mode rn seeing classmates & friends waking up early in the morning to go to the library/coffee bean/starbucks/staying at home/wherever to study like DAILY and ofcourse those who have countless tuitions. honestly I wished I had that self discipline (sighpie) 

but hopefully the next 12 days of my holiday would be very productive. so thankful that I started today (tho it  wasn't much). a little goes a long way and I guess the hardest part to many things is to start, rather than to continue. study hard too guys!!! :-)

just another false alarm

last night I dreamt of you,

no hope, no harm

just another false alarm 

I remember asking myself whilst I was dreaming

if it was reality or just another escape 

which is odd because I don't usually do

but I did and I think it's because 

you were there and so was I 

which is also odd, because it doesn't usually happen

I know it's my subconscious mind acting up again, 

and I know it's not true

I do, I really do 

but why do I still feel your skin 

brushing against mine

as far as guilty pleasures go, 

if I get to vividly remember how it feels like to

lean my head against your chest 

and feel your lips kissing my neck,

settle in a safe place like your arms 

and ensconce myself in you,

or feel a transcendent wonder 

each time you tuck my hair behind my ear 

and lean in for a whisper, 

then please, 

let me be engulfed by this beautiful lie 

-

let me love and be loved by you

(atleast) in another time and place 

it's late into the night 

I can feel my pointless rumination 

feeling the crevice in my skull

and at times like this, 

I don't even bother to try to dismiss it 

the tug of familiarity 

from your touch and smell 

wakes my mind up from where it's suppose to be sleeping 

and I long for you to spoil me 

with the long dated consistency 

you used to give me

but it's too late, 

now that I've jammed right into reality. 

and I admit you're not who I want you to be 

more importantly, 

that some names will always taste bitter

"I didn't write it down to build a poem. 

I wrote it down because that's what I do with things that unravel me. 

I drag them across a page."

-Natalie Diaz

note to self:

Some days I miss you

some days I miss you

when my phone goes silent for awhile 

& I remember how it used to be buzzing with miss calls from you, 

trying to wake me up from my routined accidental naps 

some days I miss you

usually when I play the piano or try to whistle 

because I know it was always kind of our "thing"

some days I miss you 

particularly when the stars shine a little too bright for singapore's night sky

because we used to talk about the cheesiest, most cliche things 

like where do stars shine the brightest

-

they shine the brightness with you

I remember when we first met.

And between now and then,

so much has happened

yet nothing's changed.

I liked you then,

and I still like you now.

This is my half hearted goodbye.

The other half still wants to remember words you said.

But I guess we let go now.

I'm unwriting 113 letters in 113 days.

"It's got to a point where I don't feel anything for you anymore. I don't love you but I don't hate you, and I'm not even sure I still care about you. Everything I feel is just blurry. We haven't spoken in awhile, and probably won't, and although it's taken me this long to realize it, I know that it was never my fault. Falling for you was not my fault and falling out of love with you isn't my fault as well, but treating me like crap and taking me for granted was yours, so I won't apologize for the way we are now. And I don't feel anything. I'm just numb to you and everything I thought I knew. I'm not mad or vengeful or bitter. I'm just disappointed how you're not who I thought or hoped you would be. You're a completely different person to me now. So this is it now, it's done. I hope you're miserable like how I was. But more than that... I hope you're so, so incredibly happy." 

Don't forget the nights where it all felt alright.

Are you not the same as you used to be? 

someday

I'm right where I'm suppose to be

snuggled up under my covers 

time check: 12:23am 

the night's still considered young 

with Ed Sheeran on replay 

(highly recommend all of the stars & one) 

scrolling through tumblr

feeling okay

and that's more than I could ask for 

needless to say,

I'm tired of my endless cycle 

sometimes it gets fairly hard to appreciate the little things like: 

a movie night 

a nice dinner

sleeping in 

12ams on Saturday nights 

good music

poetry 

a cup of coffee or tea 

a smile 

meeting new people 

meeting old people 

the night sky despite it's lack of stars 

my kind of perfect

you had the quiet of floorboards

it's heartaching - 

you had the quiet of floorboards

and I heard the callous words

that you didn't speak 

my heart's racing - 

I long for my heart to

stop beating so harshly 

when I'm around you 

possibly heartwrenching -

the stories I'd never tell about 

the glint in your eyes 

and the tilt on your lips 

my heart's stopping -

the vast stillness 

where we used to be

I'm forgetting 

the way you say my name too gently 

love costs all we are

"I held your hands

and felt the stars 

crackling beneath

your skin" 

I've been struggling 

to not let your apathy 

discourage my spirit 

but once again,

the residual sounds of 

your deep ragged breath 

disrupts the rare tranquility

of my mind 

and reminds me that 

love costs all we are

I wish I could get myself to 

pick up unaccustomed courage 

to ask if you could 

hold me against your good bones,

perhaps liberating me from the
entanglement of my bad thoughts, 

despite my ruptured trust

to keep my feelings safe with you 

maybe I should let you go

"it's been awhile but I still feel the same, 

maybe I should let them go"

you know, just like that night I'd

close my eyes,

pretend I'm fast asleep,

that I don't see you everywhere I look

regulate my pulse and calm my heartbeat,

pretend I don't feel your hand in my palm,

that I didn't hear my heart beating in my ears 

ignore you when you say my name,

pretend it doesn't sound special escaping from your lips 

that it doesn't send shivers down my spine

don't move or flinch, 

pretend that I'm hyperaware of your existence

or maybe it's because 

if I did you would too,

maybe I wanted you to stay 

even if it's just for a moment or two 

My wonderwall

do you know?

how I get reminded of you, listening to love songs

have you seen?

how I smile when I catch a glimpse of you

can you tell? 

that you're in my thoughts

more than the second hand hits the clock

would you want to find out?

about how I'm up writing secret poems about you 

I'm not quite sure 

but until then, 

I'd hold you in my sweetest of dreams 

and make wishes on 11:11,

id keep you amongst shooting stars,

and hope for you when I throw a coin in fountains 

my wonderwall,

lately, I've thought of you 

I don't want to feel again

today, you made my heart beat faster.

and I hated it 

other "I love you"s

goodmorning

be careful

sweetdreams

how are you?

have fun

I miss you

how was your day?

I hope you feel better soon 

can you come over?

can I go over?

don't forget to eat

you're beautiful 

I'm here for you

let's catch a movie

what are you doing?

it will be okay

I just wanted to hear your voice 

you made my day

you don't have to hear "I love you" 

to know someone does.

listen carefully,

people speak from their hearts

more often than you think 

-(I'm not sure who)

you said you're over it 

and it was silly and stupid

my heart -

it skips,

it sinks 

you talk about someone new

I hear,

I stare,

I blink

someday I'll be over you 

I know

I hope 

I think 

particularly nostalgic tonight,

thinking back on those times 

that I find myself reminiscing so often nowadays

sometimes it's not the 

new people you surround yourself with 

that makes you look back,

rather, it's the people you've known for ages

people who were in that fragment of time

those who left but came back  

that makes you remember the bittersweet past

"it's not the same",

cliche but true

I'm coming to terms that things will never be the same

and though I truely miss how it used to be, 

trying to make myself numb 

from the numerous attempts of self comfort that

it all happens for a reason

oh what I would do to go back and really take it all in again

-

you don't know what you have till it's gone 

more than friends less than lovers

it's like I don't want you to love me

because I'm not sure I can love you back

but id still be very much bothered if you were to love someone else 

it's like I'll reply you after 3 hours 

because I don't feel the need and the urge to talk to you 

but I'd probably feel a slight bit of panic if it was the other way round 

like I dont want you to want to see me

but I myself want to see you 

like i don't want you to think I like someone else

but I want you to know it's not you

it's almost like 

I know I'm going to regret letting you go

but I'm going to let you go anyways

and I can't figure out why

1/4 down, 3/4 more to go

so it's been awhile since I've updated this space and though I don't have any heart wrenching poems to spill out at the moment, I've decided to just write whatever comes to mind

here goes nothing

mainly, a term is almost up

that's means 3 more to go

and I'm still doing badly and struggling to catch up w school work

- which is bad, very bad

looking forward to the march holidays

band concert, slc etc

tho I won't really consider it a holiday since there's something on everyday

staring at my never ending pile of work to be done

after school comes homework

then revisions and tests

and cca and events 

it's like I want to catch up and do well 

but somehow it seems like no matter how fast I try to run,

it won't ever be enough

there's always someone ahead of me

trying even harder

2014 is my last year in Temasek 

and to be honest I want to treasure my time here no matter how much of a shithole it is

but seems like everyone's too focus on the ending point

which in this case is Os

to enjoy our last year together 

- 

what a pity

Thank you

If we were still in contact I'd tell you

I was looking through old pics

listening to songs I used to listen to 

and stumbled upon one that reminded me of you 

and I'd tell you I miss you,

that I regret letting you go

i don't know if you read my blog but if you do,

thank you 

for reminding me every cca day to bring my waterbottle so I won't get a sorethroat

for bringing a jacket for me on rainy days without me asking for it 

for making sure I slept early

for the few pages long text messages all day long

for telling me it's okay

for staying up late that night with me although you were so exhausted

for taking care of me when I kept pushing you away

for never getting angry at me

for teaching me everything I ever wanted to learn

for guiding me and supporting me

for teaching me what it's like to care for people around me

for waiting ever so patiently for me to figure things out even though my conclusion wasn't you 

I'm sorry

for being oblivious to the many things 

you were sacrificing for me

I haven't gotten a chance to properly thank you, 

and I wish I did when it mattered.

I like you

I like the way you make me feel safe

as if

nothing and no one can ever hurt me

as long as I have you by my side

I've seen you stand up for people you care about

but it seems like I could wait forever

and still never be one of them 

I could be stranded in a parallel universe

and id still feel safer there w you 

than anywhere else w anyone else

I like you, I like you, I like you 

I like the way you make me feel,

in a subtle but certain kind of way.

-

21.01.14

I wanted to tell you all my secrets,

but you became one of them.

First post of 2014

So January is almost ending and I haven't even blogged since the year started.

2 reasons, 

1. I've been really busy trying to cope w school because this year has been really hectic and I've got alot on my plate and I can barely get enough sleep let alone update this space so..... sorry, I'll try to as much as possible!

2. I've recently changed my phone and I've been too lazy to download the blogger app in my phone....oops

Alright so first things first, with a new year comes a new year's resolution.

Last year I had a whole list but this year I've only got 2 cause I figured it's more realistic.

1. Write bigger

2. Stand up straight 

okay I know it's kinda like cheating cause it's really not that hard but old habits die hard(?) so I'm trying to fix these things!

Secondly, new year countdown!!! Spend my last day of 2013 and first day of 2014 w Ziqing, Augus, Aron and Azirul (missing out Nelvin) and it was really nice having start the year w good company :-) -inserts imaginary pictures from my other phone-

Lastly, I hope 2014 goes really well for everyone this year. HERES TO AN AMAZEBALLS YEAR :-)