Stay

  "I might be in love with you." He smiles a little.
"I'm waiting until I'm sure I tell you, though." 

  "That's sensible of you," I say, smiling too. 

"We should find some paper,
so you can make a list or a chart or something."

  I feel his laughter against my side, 

his nose sliding along my jaw,

his lips pressing behind my ear. 

  "Maybe I'm already sure," he says,
"and I just don't want to frighten you."

  I laugh a little. "Then you should know better."

  "Fine," he says. "Then I love you." 

  

Years go by and time just seems to fly

Everything's so fast paced now, I need it to all slow down for me to catch my breath, yes thank you. Okay time for a reality check : Final year exams in a months' time. Thank god it's a half day on Friday followed by the September holidays, which I would have been so excited for if mine wasn't packed almost everyday. Monday to Wednesday - primary school visits. Thurs - math lessons and choir practice. Friday - My one and only true holiday to rush my never pile ending of homework. I dont quite remember my plans for the weekend, except for tuition, but fingers crossed I'll have time to just catch up on my sleep. Been feeling so sleep deprived lately oh gosh. Tests after tests. 

Not gonna let you distract me anymore, if you're gonna make me feel happy, then I welcome you w open arms but if you're going to just make me confused and upset then I'm just going to have to not give a damn. Make things better for me, not worse, please. 


Last teacher day spent w 202 on Friday along w cross country, can we just not go to different classes? Sobs... :( What if we like die in an unfamiliar environment. haha okay maybe not. 
-
How come it seems like though others can go out every night and after school and still get so much done while I'm just home and doing work but it never gets all done on time and nope, not the least productive. Come on Cally, no distractions. So many choir practices im gonna die. Not that it's bad but just not that great. Looking forward to the overseas competition in November though x 
What a losy post. Nah, no mood anyways. 
- 
Meh 

What if its not

I find it fascinating that one of you can make me feel better than everyone else in the world put together. The ease of having you overwrites any other bad thing. When you know exactly what to say at the right time, just the right way. You don't have to tell me anything. I just need to know you wont leave. And thats exactly what you said.

I said that it was your loss but deep down i know its mine too. Because the naive me, after everything you did, would still drop everything, in an instant, for you. I still care about you, I still want you in my life. But what am i suppose to do? When i'm miserable with you, miserable without you.

And i'm starting to doubt, really. What if things didn't happen for a reason? Maybe we're just grasping for ways to make sense of the chaos around us. Maybe we're giving meaning to things that have no meaning. Maybe we're clinging to hope so hard we forget about reality. What if we're wrong and nothing is meant to be? We're just lost souls wandering endlessly, desperately seeking comfort from the notion that things will work out in the end no matter what. What if we've tricked ourselves into believing that everything will be okay in the end just so we don't have to face the reality that maybe it wont. And maybe its just my paranoia, but then again, what if its not.

Hugs

I was on the bus today, as I am everyday, on the way to school. And I thought about why I didn't feel so happy today. And this thought appeared out of the blue that I needed a hug. I had miss them so much. How assure and loved I felt when someone hugged me tight. Not those heart hearted, one hand hugs that last a few moments but those that you both don't wanna let go. Those tight hugs that can never be tight enough, those from people you care most about and the people who care most about you. So when I reached school, I hugged my friends and it made me feel so much better. Oh how I love hugs so very much.

Hugging is a good medicine. It transfers energy and gives the person hugged an emotional lift. Scientists say that is a form of communication because it can say things you don't have words for. And the nicest thing about a heart is that you usually can't give one without getting one.

It's about 4:32 right now and I woke up with a pain in my chest. 

I can't tell if it's heart burn or the emptiness coming back.

But it's late and I have to be up soon. 

Wish you were here, 

I'm sorry things changed.

2012 resolutions

So more than half a year has gone past but i still want to create a list of things i want to achieve this year. Dont know if its the lack of sense of achievement this year or me just wanting to make this year count in atleast a way. And i've realise i didnt make a list of resolution at the start, for whatever reasons i had. So here goes..

- Do better than i've ever did academically for end of year

- Try something totally wrong for me

- Sing out loud infront of people i dont really know

- Laugh out loud atleast once a day

- Do without my phone for a whole day

- Have more alone time

- Spend time with only the people that matter

- Tell people how i really feel

- Lay under the stars 

- Make new friends, keep my old ones

- Spend a day just watching movies

- Not care too much about things that make me unhappy

- Give more, expect less

- Smile at strangers

- Let go of the past, move forward

- Take chances

- Know that nothing lasts forever

- Accept things i cant change

- Be happy

Have been sleeping more & more each day. 

Don't know if it's really my exhaustion or just that I don't want to stay awake to face things. 

But then again, what's there to face when it's staring at me the whole time.

 It's over, isn't it? 

Then why do I still feel the sting.

Damn Cally, what did you do so wrong for karma to get you like this.