it's 1241 in the morning and my thoughts that have been piling up over the past few months are starting to spill over, giving me an unsettling feeling in pit of my stomach.
i haven't been able to commit to anyone this year. i've been craving being alone and i've been craving the fucked up life i've got a glimpse of during the holidays. i don't know if its due to fear of unreciprocated trust or if it's me wanting to be detached from everyone but either way, it's something that i've (hopefully) made my mind up on.
i've lost people this year, people that i would never have dreamt of drifting away from a year or two ago. a group of friends - people that i've subconsciously stopped prioritising a long time ago. it took them leaving for me to notice that i haven't seen them in almost a year. a close friend of mine - someone that wasn't who i thought he was. they say opposites attract but i've figured it's not true. what if he's okay with the mediocre life we're all living but you want to feel adrenaline pumping through your veins for the rest of your life? what if he wants to surround himself with groups and groups of people whilst your desperately trying to get away? what if things that make you feel don't make him feel? what if he needs someone to constantly want him, someone who works on his friendship but you stopped working on people a long time ago? the answer is, then you drift. and the worst part of it all is that i don't feel a loss when i should. a part of me wants to feel like i need to make an effort for these people. because my lack of attachment to everyone is
making me feel like i can't feel anymore.
but i can't help it. i see the people around me worrying about things that mean so little, i see them prioritising everything but themselves, i see them crying out for attention in hopes to validate the effort they put into pleasing others. and i cross my fingers, i hope and hope that i'm not and won't be someone like that anymore. i know darn well how it feels like to be dependent on people, to have them decide if i was having a good day or not. but at 15 i realised that people stop trying after a while and they can only love you as much as you make yourself able to love. no one's going to be there for you if you disappear for months, no one is going to tell you you're beautiful if you don't take care of yourself and make an effort to be beautiful. you're only wanted if you make yourself easy to want.
and for what? i've never met anyone that would keep giving and giving to someone who doesn't give back. all this dependency, all this talk about unconditional love, all these promises of being there for me, all this bullshit.
these thoughts are draining me more and more everyday. but i chose this, i chose to not give anyone the power to affect and i chose to not have anyone waste their time on me. i'm not worth it, they'll see. my secrets are darker than any of those anyone has ever told me and if they didn't know if i could handle their secret, i sure as hell know they won't be able to handle mine. i don't even want to go near the deepest, dirtiest parts of my soul, why would you?
