It's just too little, too late

Feeling less than nothing.

I haven't stopped thinking about you -

your unlitted eyes & weary gestures 

I miss the way your voice sounded next to my ear.

It was just a week ago when you laid by my side, 

hands pressed against me. 

I can't seem to forget how your body felt against mine.

Whatever we have (had) 

isn't something I can pull out of the context of my life.

I can tell this story of ours in order though.

That night in Australia with sheepish smiles
& a warm heart over a mere phonecall.

I disavowed it, I'd admit now.

But i realise it's best I do away with it;

the cautious thinking and false solitude,

even my sordid consolations. 

Admiting to only the surface of my feelings was a sham -

truth is I'm powerless over the anguish that filled my blood 
each time you tell me you love me, 

each time you show me you want me. 

My sensible speeches only came across as attempts to create a void between us

but it failed - 

just as it did trying to fill the emptiness

inside of me when I'm without you. 

I know you cared about me,

and I hope you saw that I cared about you too.

I hope you saw the messages I conveyed to you subtly -

like letting your hand brush against mine or when I held your arms 

I regret not going to the movies with you,

all three of them.

And as I scroll through our conversations,

self loathing crawls up my throat 
each time I see an unreplied text or an "I love you too" I didn't say back. 

I do, I do.

This is my apology, 

a poem for you, a regret for me.

But apologies are pointless, 

I figured. 

I hope it's not too late.

I can't lose you, not this time again.
I hope you're okay. (you're not)

Do you remember what we promised our forty year old selves? 
Did you mean it? 
I did.

Now all I hear is your deafening silence haunting me,

making me feel a strange emptiness in the pit of my stomach. 

I feel your lights fading, so am I.

I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared. 

-

Last time I felt like this, I got hurt.

This time, it's you I don't want to hurt.